Over the summer I had to come to terms with some things that I didn’t want to admit to. Sure, I was sure proud of myself for where I had finally found myself weight-wise, but the emotions and psychological changes in me were not what I was expecting to deal with. I knew there would be some, but not at the rate I was expecting. Nevertheless, I found myself at a bit of a crossroads and needed to make some continued decisions regarding my health.
Admitting after working so hard to get to a goal that you now have a chronic pain that resulted in the surgery you voluntarily had to fix a problem was definitely a struggle in itself. My anxiety went through the roof from the pain I was constantly in. The pain would keep me up in night, from my low back, legs, hips, you name it, there was pain. I kept it hidden well through some good pain medication I had from my surgery, as well as taking copious amounts of Alleve, to the point of drinking a glass of wine each night to give myself a buzz, alleviating some of the pain.
I went to my Doctor’s, because I was truly concerned something was wrong. Sadly, my doctor decided to diagnose me with a psychological condition that was so farce I couldn’t even explain it! Speaking with family and friends, they were appalled by the lack of research and how my doctor, who has known me since I was 13, could easily diagnose me so quickly with this issue at 40 years old by just listening to me talk about my pain. Needless to say, I have not been back to him, and am looking into a new doctor. I hate parting with him, but his answers are always “take more medicine”, and I realize I was taking more pills than I was taking anything else. I was on two types of anxiety/sleep aids, thyroid medication, allergy medication, and an endless array or RX and OTC pain medication. When I got on Juice Plus, I finally was able to say goodbye to the majority of the medications, but the pain and a little anxiety was still there. I started doing research, and I came across a neat little plant called Kratom. Kratom (Mitrogyna Speciosa) is a Pacific-Asian plant native to countries like Borneo, Thailand and Bali. Its medicinal properties can be traced between caffeine and/or Opium, but of course without the Opiates. It’s a pure and natural plant that actually is relative to the coffee plant we all know and love. When I found that it was legal in most of the United States, let alone Pennsylvania, I was eager to try. It usually comes in a powdered form, almost the consistency of flour, and it smells just like tea. I found a Vendor down in Texas, who was very kind and understanding in my needs. You cannot buy this at any store, as it is not approved by the FDA. In fact, some vendors, in fear of the FDA trying to take this plant away from society, will put “Not to be used for consumption” on their labels. How sad has our world become that we’ve become so fear-based?
The moment I started taking Kratom, things began to change. My perception of life changed quickly. I became more realistic about life, without losing my rose-colored glasses of hope I always seem to wear. I found a different type of peace within me that I never had before. I mean, sure, for the last three years I had a peace that I was making right decisions with my life, regardless of how others felt, but this was different. I felt…peace. Within my peace. Does that make sense? I noticed I started paying more attention to color more. I have found myself wearing different colors like aqua, pink, purple, lots of pastels. It’s like I found a little hippy inside of me, dying to come out to make change with the world. Instead, she made change with me. The anxiety went away. The pain went away. And so, the little bohemian hobbit awoke. I close my eyes more, but not to block anything out, more importantly, to envision what I hope for my life and those around me. I was driving this morning to work, and I found even on the busiest of roads in my area, I was so focused on the colors of the sky, and how they reflected off the cars in front of me. So much color in this world and I only saw a select few. Now, an array of color almost overwhelms my life, but I accept it with humbled gratitude. I listen to my female folk music radio station, and think about being outside more, think about the wonderful things that will happen in the next year. And my heart just overflows! I know that sounds so freaking sappy and I get it, many people are not where I am at in their life and they are quite happy with not only their presence in life, but with their position they hold with society. Hey, we are all on a journey, and I will never ever again thwart someone’s journey for the sake of hoping they followed mine. How many years have I spent trying to get people to UNDERSTAND me, when in fact it was my job to make sure I UNDERSTAND me!
I just had a cup of my Kratom tea, and the almost euphoric feeling comes over me with excitement that today we close another chapter in the lives of those who managed to make it through the year. I applaud each and every one of you – we did it!
And as I prepare to spend a fun evening with some people in my little community, I know I am walking into the New Year with a positivity I’ve never had before. And the motivation to spread the love around, like a true bohemian would.
Love, Peace, Macaroni and Cheese, and most of all, have a ROCKIN’ New Year!