Each day we are presented with at least a thousand decisions to make. Decisions that only we, as a person, can only make. Whether we are children or adults, mentally stable or challenged in some way, each one of us has decisions to make. And each decision, great or small, will always have a PROFOUND impact on our future lives. Now, when we are children, little to no responsibility is put on us because of our age and intolerance for understanding the repercussions called consequences to our actions. But where is that line drawn? How old do we have to be to become mentally competent of our decision making process? Well, I think to each his own is the best answer I could come up with in the last several hours of contemplation yesterday. Some people mature at a young age, some, like myself, take 40 years to mature. Some, well, some are still learning. You can be the best parent or guardian in the world, but in the end our accountability is ours, no matter how much you want to slice it. How people treat us is their karma, how we respond to it is ours. This, my friends, is the biggest lesson in life I will ever learn.
See, many years ago before I became a troubled kid, mind you, I was basically a normal little girl, until an event in my life changed that. We try so hard as parents to teach our children to follow a certain guideline when life throws us a bad curve ball, but we don’t always listen. See, this is where accountability comes in. How old does one need to physically be to be held accountable? I can’t give you this answer. BUT, I CAN say, that when one emotionally and psychologically has the impact of becoming responsible, then it’s fair play. Sadly for me, so much was blocked out until a few years ago, that when it finally came to pass, I had to become accountable for my own faults that happened 30 years ago.
Each day we are presented with at least a thousand decisions to make. And in the summer of 2012, I made a big decision. One of the biggest of my life, presumably. Let alone the hardest. Granted, my memories from long ago swayed back into my life like the winds along the reeds, but these winds were sadly stormy. If not hurricane-like. Having to take accountability for things that happened so long ago can be difficult for someone because yes, it WAS long ago. But when someone was hurt in the process; that long ago can feel like yesterday to that other person. Taking in that perspective then, one has to stop their own process and understand that not everyone heals the way you do. Not everyone understands and processes the same way you do. And the moment one becomes to fully understand this, respect will take place, followed by a solemn bout of humility.
I was given a gift yesterday that I did not deserve. A gift of closure. Just because my life has taken a turn for the better does not mean it’s time to forget the hurt I may have caused others along the way. And trust me when I say, that is not the case. Every person I have ever lied to, cheated, stole from, is on my mind every single day. I think back to 20 years ago, 30 years ago, and I can honestly say, I don’t know who that girl was. More and more my memories of that Bridget have faded, mainly because the beliefs, feelings, and understandings no longer resonate with the woman I am today. I am a proud 41 year old woman. A mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a godmother, soon to be wife, and a friend. And every single person who is connected to me I love with all my heart and am protective to the core for their safety. 30 years ago, hell 20 years ago, I can’t even say that about myself. Life for me began at the age of 40, and I am grateful to have been given a second chance at life. But that does not mean I can forget the first 40 years and those that were hurt along the way. I promise you, I will never forget. And I will always ask for forgiveness, even though I probably don’t deserve it.
People, remember who you are, and if it’s not good, change it. Be real, be honest, be blessed and most importantly, be humble. Each one of us is fighting our own battles. Some of those battles others are fighting are because of something we did to start it. Own it and never forget. But forgive yourself and continue to do the best you can every day. That is really the best way to repay someone you’ve hurt. Never forget and utilize those consequences as a tool to make those thousand decisions each day.
Being held accountable is a bitch. But when it’s time to move on to the next chapter in your life, at least you can say you were, and it can never come back to harm you in the end.