It’s funny when depression and anxiety hits a person does the writing muse want to take a vacation. Sadly, the lack of finding the house (yes, I know I’m beating a dead horse by continuously talking about it) has caused me to retreat. It’s one of the reasons why I haven’t written. Because finding a house has totally consumed my life. Well, it’s kind of hard to not have it consume me. My home, once a quaint bohemian living abode, has now turned into Cardbox City. Everywhere I turn there are boxes, filled and empty, waiting for my next move. It is a constant reminder that my life is out of alignment and unstable. Two things that literally drive me crazy. Feeling that I don’t have control over my own life can really take a toll, and so, I have found myself feeling rather blue during one of the most beautiful times of the year.
I’m sitting at my laptop today because some movement in my personal life hit this morning, and whenever that happens, I need to act on it immediately before my rational mind tells me to step back.
Now, I know people who read my blog read it for many purposes. Some like to actually read what I have to say, some are here just to be nosy and check up on me, and others, well, others are simply here to find out what crazy shit Bridget is up to now. It’s sadly the truth, and although in the past the judgements have haunted me like never ending nightmares, I have learned through a lot of soul searching and maturity that I need to stop focusing on how people view me, and start focusing on how I view me. A liberating experience, to say the least, coming from a reputable and conservative family, to have their eldest child break out of a box to protect me, unleashing emotional turmoil along with equal bouts of total bliss. It’s who I am and at 41 years old, I refuse to change me. Funny, I will never understand how I am now, and how some people question me now, and wish I could return to the former me, when the former me most people couldn’t stand. Being free from the social experimentation of trying to “fit in” has been the most uplifting and amazing journey of my life, next to the birth of my son.
This week I was told that in the next couple weeks I am going to learn my fate of the position in my current job. My department at my job has decided to consolidate with other groups, forming one big department. The problem with this, is that my department is not defined by the regulations that the other groups are bound to. But, the higher ups are considering putting us within this mold. This could mean my life will change drastically over the next year, and it frightens me to no end. My work currently does not expect me to be licensed within the Federal Regulated guidelines. But since my team is merging with groups that are regulated, there is a possibility that I will have to become a licensed professional. I know, doesn’t sound like a bad thing, right? It would mean a promotion in the end, and a better career path. But here’s the thing that many people who didn’t know me 5 years ago: 5 years ago, I took a similar license, smaller and easier compared to the license I may be required to obtain now. I didn’t pass. And I was terminated from my company. But my love for wanting to work there resulted in me coming back as a contractor, thus coming back into the company through the “back door”. I have since worked within unlicensed departments over the last 5 years, and my career has been amazing.
Now, I see myself at a cross roads. June 30th I am going to be told my fate. My insomnia that has already been on the radar over the house hunting is now adding additional lost sleep because of this.
What do I do? Will I have to quit and find a new job? Is this the opportunity to actually leave this career and begin a new one? I know many of you know how much I love Juice Plus and the fact I have been trying to wait until I move into a new home to start this little side business, making additional money for my family. Should I begin now in case I fail this test? Should we just stay in this apartment? Should I sell most of my things? See, these are the very things going through my mind, because I have to be realistic. I can’t assume I’m going to pass. I have to think ahead and figure out what will happen if I go through what I went through November 29th, 2010? Looking at a computer screen, realizing I was 1 point from passing a test, and thus no longer an employee at my beloved company.
I’m trying to hold back the tears right now typing this, because I hate more than anything not knowing what is going on. I will admit I hate abrupt change. But yet, there’s a fire in my belly that’s telling me it’s going to be okay. And that there are reasons, specific reasons why things are going this way right now.
It has been absolutely imperative that I be authentic. Even if it means upsetting those I love around me. I wish I could change that, to appease other’s fears. But doing that would only make me unhappy. And I love who I am. I really do. I know people don’t understand that. I know and really, I am truly sorry for that.
I am a 41 year old woman. I’m a wife, a mother, a step-mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a godmother, a niece, best friend, a lover, a business woman, a gypsy, a bohemian, a wild woman, a domestic goddess, a writer, a hobbit. So here’s my question: How do I merge all of these things into one aspect of myself? The answer is: I can’t. I am many things, and that’s that. I am many things to many people, and some to some people. There are so many facets of myself, and just like my job, one can either accept it or walk away. But it will never change the course of my fate. It is the only thing I like about change. The evolution of it. Rather than abrupt, coarse change, I love the slow, loving, almost ritual aspect of change. Watching someone turn into the person they are supposed to be, during each chapter/level of their journey. And as you all know from everything I’ve said above, I’m going through just that.
Today I looked in the mirror and noticed I wanted to change something. It took me a while, but I realized it was my hair. Last fall I did something drastic and cut most of my hair off and put low and highlights in it, to gradually accept my ever coming in white hair. However, winter has passed and summer is upon us, and I felt another longing. Last year I started wearing dread-lock extensions in my hair. They are simply beautiful and I always get compliments every time I wear them. I find it incredibly ignorant for people to think only African Americans are the only ones allowed to wear dread-locks. They are simply beautiful and if used correctly, anyone would look amazing. So, today, I decided to test my hair. Already so thin from my thyroid disease, I was hoping this wasn’t going to fail, and my hair did not disappoint!
I know, I can already hear the groans….”oh Bridget…what ARE you doing?” and “You’re 41 and a Mother!” I know! And guess who was the one who suggest I do it???? That’s right! My son!!!!
He always tells me how beautiful I am, and that no matter what I wear, how I do my hair, my inner beauty stands out. Such an old soul. So, going to run a trial and see how this looks in a bun tomorrow, and see if I can pull this off in a professional manner. I’m curious. I have realized that although I love my job, I cannot be who I really am there. Who I am is not part of society’s version of “professional”. Well, I’d like to change that attitude. Gradually. Starting with something like hair. I’m actually kind of excited how I’m going to look tomorrow, and if it’s a go, I will continue down this new path and see how it goes.
I guess in the end I need to remember this very important point:
2 days of work this week, then a mini vacay with my husband and kids. I guess there’s good in change..whether its work, scenery, your home, your hair, beliefs. whatever. I guess in change, it gives us the opportunity to blossom even more into who we are meant to be.
And the anxiety slowly drifts away….Hello muse…I’ve missed you.