You ever have a nagging thought or feeling that no matter what you do, it won’t go away? This one facet of myself has been nagging at me for over 20 years. And every once in a while, I might splurge on those feelings and thoughts, and give into them. But it doesn’t seem enough. I feel like I need to make a bigger change. And I don’t mean change the color or my eye shadow or type of music I’m listening to. No, I’m talking something more…radical.
It’s no big secret I’m a bit of a gypsy. With a whimsical, flight-of-fancy attitude, my mind is constantly racing to try something new. Whether it’s a new beauty product, a new health program, or a new restaurant, I love trying new things.
But something is missing: Ugh, and I hate that I have this feeling. Part of me just wishes I could be stereotypically “normal”. Where I wouldn’t have to be scared of these thoughts that seem to devour all sense of my day, because they quite honestly, they wouldn’t be there if I was stereotypically “normal”.
Let’s face it, kittens, I’m not normal. I’m not looking for a reaction; this just seems to be the constant elephant in the room so many people seem to engage in positively when I’m around, but whisper their feared mindsets when I’m not.
Don’t worry, baby birds, I’m gonna feed you…
So, what I mean it, a RADICAL change. How do I make a radical statement in a non-radical society I myself live in? Well, let’s take a look at my life: I am a 41 year old, newly re-married Mom of a 13 year old boy and step-mom to a 10 year old boy. I work for a conservative financial company where my life is pretty much confined to an 8×8 cubical farming space for 8-9 hours a day. One hour in the morning and one hour in the afternoon is spent driving to this tiny dwelling. Once I get home, half the time I am so exhausted I really can’t do much else. But dinner has to be made, and my tiny apartment for 2 that houses 4 people, becomes almost suffocating. I retreat to my bedroom always earlier before anyone else, because it is the one time during the day where I feel somewhat sane. By the time Friday comes around, my mind and emotions are so spent I practically collapse in a big ole’ heap before 8pm and sleep well past 9am the next morning. Yes, this happens almost every weekend.
My day is usually spent with anxiety, stress, mild bouts of depression, and daily headaches. Some of these days become migraines, but that’s beside the point. My life is terribly out of order and out of balance, and I need to change this. Like QUICKLY.
So here goes me saying all this out loud:
I want to get my nose pierced. I want to get another part of my ear pierced to take away my migraines. I want tattoos on my arms and back. I want to streak my hair with a fun, vibrant color with long hair dreaded extensions. I want to wear a kaftan every day! I want to be spiritually connected in every aspect of my day. I want to do yoga and belly dance on a daily/weekly basis. I want to travel to Morocco and Scotland, Italy and Portugal with my husband and kids to teach them about what real culture is all about. I want to get on a cruise and go to Bermuda for a long weekend with my husband and pretend we’re on our honeymoon. I want to have high tea with my girlfriends at least once a week at an official tea house. I want to learn sacred drumming. I want to open a Red Tent. I want to teach women about self-empowerment. I want to own my own New Age/Metaphysical store and be surrounded by everything I love to talk about. I want to publish my book. I want to be a model. I want to own an RV and go on summer and autumn camping trips. I want to wake up one morning and have my child tell me he’s ready for college and I won’t have to worry about where the money is coming from. I want to be on stage again.
HOW IN THE HECK DO I ACHIEVE THIS LIFE?
Yes, these are simply, WANTS. I don’t specifically NEED this stuff in my life, because its whats going on inside that matters. You see so many empowering women out there doing this – as Gala Darling puts it, Radical Self-Love. But am I passed it? Being 41, a Mom, a Wife….oh who am I kidding? I KNOW deep in my heart saying I’m passed it is ridiculous! My heart has been LONGING to do this, well from my early 20’s, but my fear of being ridiculed by others kept me away from it. What’s so funny is that I haven’t done HALF the things I wanted to do, and yet I’m still considered an odd duck. So, why not go all out then? Will my son be embarrassed? No, I know he always encourages me to be my authentic self (yes, my 13 year old is that awesome). Will my husband be angry? No, he loves it when I break into my wilder side. My job? Well, I’d have to resort to wearing long sleeves and my hair in a bun for the majority of the time, and even though nose piercings are becoming the norm in my company, I still want to maintain a professional look. But am I really cut out for where I am at? Of course not! I think everyone who knows me knows I’m in the wrong job. I’m there because the company is amazing and it gives me the security I’ve never had in any other job. But am I happy right now with where I am?
The answer is emphatically….NO.
This does NOT mean I don’t love me. Or that I am unhappy with my husband or children. My cup runneth over for them. And learning to love me was no small task, but I got there and that’s not what this is about. Its about empowering myself to BE who I am but not being scared to physically show who I am. It’s not fun to admit that you are not happy with where you are in life. I’m embarrassed, really. I preach preach preach about being your authentic self, doing what you love, and I am the epitome of hypocrisy at its finest. I know many women out there who sacrifice all the things they love to make sure everyone else is taken care of. Spouses, parents, kids, you name it. Sacrifices are constantly made. But I believe we deserve better. We need to DO better for ourselves. Not so that we can get the attention, but so we can be more attentive to those in our life. I have found that when we are happier with ourselves, we are happier with everyone around us. It makes the circle, well, complete. My husband and children deserve NOTHING less from me. So, I kindly disagree with anyone who says “don’t do any of this – the money can be used for this, or this, or you should save for this and this, and so on…” As far as I’m concerned, yes, retirement money is essential. But if I die before my retirement, I will not only die without being able to use that money, but I will die sad. And I refuse to go out like that. I love life way too much.
It needs to be said I am absolutely, totally and MADLY IN LOVE with my husband and I am crazy obsessed about my kids. But, all of them can easily say Mom seems to be more sad lately. I know what makes me tick, and I know what gets my pulse racing to the point of butterfly overload. Right now, I’m game for anything to pick this old gal up a notch. I know I deserve it. I know I’ve worked hard for it. And the better I tend to myself, the better I’m going to be as a Wife and Mom.
So, tell me…Honestly…I’m asking for advice.