Every day I am dealing with a struggle that many people on this earth look at as an easy constant in their lives. I wake up every single morning with the same underlying thoughts that I’ve had for so many years I can no longer remember when they began. But they are there, like an addiction reminding me it’s never going to go away. Is there something wrong with me? Is this a cry for help? Is this just to get some attention? The truth is, I don’t know. It may be, and may not be. But I know one thing is for certain: The older I am getting, the more this feeling inside of me grows considerably stronger.
The things I’m about to say may seem odd to the normal lay person, and for that I’m sorry. Maybe I’m wrong and just pre-judging something that doesn’t even really exist. Maybe none of us are really “normal”. There isn’t a set definition to the term in my own eyes, unless it is to describe society as a whole. For me, though, I know quite well I’m not normal. And for what it’s worth, I’m really fine with that. Sure, sometimes I wish I was like the “society” norm and wear clothes that fit my physical age, or cut my hair to show representation of motherhood, or decorate my house in Pottery Barn-esq type décor. Don’t get me wrong – if you are one of those people who does each one of those things and you feel strongly convicted in your life decisions in those areas, I’m not mocking you. In fact, sometimes I’m quite jealous of you! Why do I think differently?
The way society explains how the “norm” should be is not what I am, so please do not take offense of my choice to leverage my version of this definition. Like I said above, there should be NO true definition of the word normal, because it really is based on the culture that a living being is living in. I live in The United States, in a Suburban living neighborhood/apartment complex, in a semi-quiet town not far from some of the big city adventures. I am happily married to a man I truly call my best friend in the world. I was a single mother of a son for a long time, who at one point worked 3 jobs to cover the cost of living. I am an emotional eater and a social drinker. I work for a financial institution that thrives on helping people strengthen their financial retirement goals. I sit in an 8×8 cubical desk area from 8-4:30pm Monday through Friday, while my children go to Summer Camp or School. I drive an affordable Mitsubishi Outlander that I aptly named Jamie Fraser. (I Heart Outlander) I am the eldest of three daughters to parents who have been happily married for 40 years. I had boyfriends, proms, late nights out at the bar, and phone conversations for 3-4 hours with friends because my parents gave me that allowance. But I was unhappy for a good majority of my younger life, with things that happened to me, and well, resulted in me doing bad things that at the time, did not realize how bad they were. I was functionally living an unfunctional life. This was my norm from age 1-19.
Then….things happened. (that’s for another time.)
From age 20 until present day, I would spend hours, days, months, in absolute secrecy, writing my everyday thoughts, daydreaming things I only thought were fantasy. I was ashamed to ever speak about it because quite frankly, no one I knew ever showed a modicum of interest in the things I was thinking about. I was petrified on a continuous basis for living this…lie. I found myself watching documentaries of other cultures and other countries, and seeing how some other places gave people more freedom of the creativity that I obsessed of having. What the heck was I doing wrong? There is only one word for that.
You can be the most holy of clergyman, the most intelligent of scholars, and yet, if you live in any sort of fear, you are living in the dark. And guess what? Most of us live in fear. How? Well, mainly the majority of people live in fear of judgment of what other people will say about decisions they make. This is honestly one of humanities biggest fallbacks. We are so concerned and involved in the worriment of the thoughts of others that we in turn sacrifice our very own wants, needs and desires to make others feel better. I’ve spoken of this a lot over the years because it’s one of my biggest challenges. News flash: If people want to use what I write as fodder for their amusement or gossip, I can’t stop them. But how dare I stop what calls me, what thrives within me, what makes me whole? For what? To make others stop talking about me? To hope others MIGHT take me seriously? I find it funny that those who disagree with my life are the very ones who, no matter what, will never take me seriously, but when push comes to shove, will come to me when they need it most and I have NEVER turned my cheek. It’s the nature of the beast and I can’t and will never stop that. I will never stop helping those I love and care about, even if they cannot respect or understand the journey I am on. But I will not stop talking. I will not stop writing. It’s what I love to do. It’s my soul freeing itself from the chains of slavery inside this physical matter called a body.
Why, am I then, FIGHTING?
Yesterday I had a talk with a good friend of mine who reached out saying she wanted to help me on my path to a happier life. Without going into more detail, tonight after work I’m going to start what many would call a “dream board”.
A dream board is a collection or collage of things that you want in your life that make you brilliantly happy. And if you could do or have something every day, put it on this board. It will help the person understand better by physically LOOKING at what you want, rather than dreaming it inside your head. Many project managers and marketing directors look to dream boards to help aid in the brainstorming process. I look forward to putting much together.
In the meantime, I will continue to keep my nose to the grindstone and get through each day with a happy and hopeful heart. Dreams are coming to reality, slowly BUT surely. I’ve never been more certain in my entire life that I am exactly where I need to be in life to be the best person I CAN be. I will NEVER go back to that state of darkness. Not for all the money in the world. Because that, my friends, is really playing with the devil. And the devil plays no part in my life, even if some think otherwise.