Today was a major lesson in strength and forgiveness.
Each one of us are given lessons, sometimes extremely difficult and impossibly humbling. We can choose to accept these lessons by admitting our faults and discretions, while HOPEFULLY the consequences of our actions, whether they happened yesterday or 30 years ago, will only help us grow stronger in love, grace and overall, humility. These last few years have proven just that. And even in the midst of absolute despair, when the pain just becomes TOO much that some would rather roll over and blind themselves from the pain with alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, food, or whatever vice you need to mask that despair, I have chosen a different path.
I choose forgiveness.
See, what other people think of me is really none of my business. And honestly? That’s a very hard thing for me to accept. My ego has been bruised so much in the last 4 years I can’t even really begin to describe it. In the last few years alone, I have been humbled more times than I can ever count, and am constantly reminded of things that I NOW know, were not of the understanding my actions were going to be detrimental in the years ahead. See, when people go through a traumatic experience, it becomes acutely apparent that people “block” memories to avoid the pain. I suffer from PTSD because of this. Looking back at the years when my life was so troubled, I can understand how I had tried, sometimes embarrassingly, to get people to “like” me. And when you utilize that desperation technique, it’s easy for others to see right through you. 4 years ago, those memories came back, and since that horrifying moment of regression, I have done everything I can to make amends of my past and who I hurt, even though I was a victim as well. Well, today showed me beyond a shadow of a doubt, that trait no longer caters to my life. The strands of victimhood no longer apply and I am voluntarily choosing to cut those strands from my life.
If you know who you are, and know that deep down you are a good person, despite faults you made in the past, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and people who come and go in your life choose to hate you, despise you, belittle you, or whatever it is that they do to make you question your own self-worth, well then, my dears, the moment you put that apology out there is the moment you are finally free to let go. If people choose to not accept your apology, or even worse, accept it, only to turn around and take it back, you need to remind yourself that it no longer applies to you. It applies to them. And then everything going forward becomes THEIR issues, and you can walk away with peace in your mind and in your heart.
Today was a hard day.
Quite frankly, I’m heartbroken. But that heartbreak will heal. I will mend. And the scars on my heart will provide stronger tissue that will make it harder to hurt me. I forgive those who choose hate over love. Who choose anger over forgiveness. Remember: How people treat you is a reflection of THEM, not you. Something my husband and my Mom continue to drive into my head day after day.
And with that, I am choosing to close a very, very sad chapter in my life, and moving on. Because I deserve it. And the people that know who I am, TRULY know who I am, deserve it.
In the end, I choose love. I choose forgiveness.
And I forgive you, for everything you have done to me. May you be happy in the life you have chosen, and I wish you nothing but happiness in your heart, and peace in your soul.