One of my favorite sayings I like to say when I feel I need to have a heart to heart with someone – I like to call it a “Come to Jesus” talk. Sometimes the most amazing and profound events in our lives tend to be also hilariously ironic. This is precisely the case over the last couple months.
I’m going to tell you something that I didn’t think I would EVER utter to anyone. This includes my husband, my sons, my parents, my sisters, my family and devoted friends. I don’t necessarily know why I need to bear witness to this, but I do believe it’s time for me to speak out. Since November 18, 2016, I’ve been quietly obsessing over it, because of how much it changed me. And mark my word: I am changed. Incidentally, my son Tim told me last night, “Mom, I don’t know about you, but there is something really DIFFERENT about you that I’ve noticed the last several weeks.”
At this point, only a collective few, including my husband and son, know what happened.
I’ve been on an incredible journey, and I guess now, it’s okay to talk about it.
First things first: I was born with the addiction gene in my DNA. And this gene has taken front and center throughout my life. Food, prescription drugs, relationships, spirituality, you name it, if my heart felt a flutter, I took it for all it was. Kind of like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Right now, my latest addiction seems to be on something I have taken for granted for many many years.
I am finding it very challenging to really put into words what I want to say. But trust me on this: This will probably be a long post, because I believe once I get talking, it’s hard to stop.
Most of the time my head tends to be in the clouds, thinking and dreaming of things that I want, not just for myself, but everyone I love. However, something needs to be said, when your life has been on this particular journey and living this particular belief, when all of a sudden it comes to an abrupt stop for no reason. And like the flip of a switch, everything that I believed in, held and cherished for so many years, started to dissipate.
Going back: The moment I first felt a twinge in my spirituality was when I was a semi-practicing Catholic. This spiritual “awakening”, so-to-speak, occurred in the early months of 2004. 4 years later, in 2008, I was beginning my life without my soon-to-be ex-husband and found myself delving into another type of spirituality, which many called Paganism. It was something darker than what I had been used to, and yet it fascinated me to my core nonetheless. Honestly? I fell in love with Paganism. Not just because of the rituals or clothing or music, but because I felt I could hold MYSELF accountable for things, rather than feel like some heavenly parental figure is up in the skies waiting for me. For 4 years, I laid low, while continuing to practice as a Catholic, while secretly delving deep into practicing Paganism. But I still loved Jesus. That never swayed. I truly believed in the heart of my hearts that my love for Jesus actually grew from my studies, and found I started calling myself a Christo-Pagan. (There is such a religion that exists).
In 2012, I finally made the decision to leave the Catholic Church, and be open about loving my Earth Spirituality. In essence, I called it that because Paganism has a societal stigma that causes people to believe that all who practice it are devil-worshiping, animal sacrificing, followers of Satan. I need to tell you all this – Paganism is NOT devil worshiping. Pagans actually don’t believe in the devil. It angered me so much, that I wanted to prove to the world my spirituality was if anything, stronger than when I was a practicing Catholic. I joined a Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, then became a leader in the community guiding and teaching like-minded individuals who saw and felt the same as I. I finally thought I was home in my faith. Being able to love God, Jesus and Mary and the Saints and Angels, all while dedicating myself to Mother Earth by committing myself to the fundamentals of holding rituals honoring not just them, but all the deities that all the cultures in the world were made up of. I felt I was co-existing with Mother Earth herself and I was a handmaiden to her services. As the years passed, I realized Jesus, Mary, the Saints and the Angels started to take a back burner to other deities whom I wanted to learn and study. I’ll be honest. I tried. I really did. But it never felt the same. Literally, I would thank a deity for something they gave me, but if I found myself in trouble, I called on Jesus. I knew it, and yet continued to block my mind of the hypocrisy I was finding myself in. Deep in. How dangerous it was for me to think just because another religion doesn’t believe in something like the devil, didn’t mean he doesn’t exist.
How funny it was, then, when Jesus decided to take a stand for His cause, and call me back to the land of His living, and in the WEIRDEST place possible.
Jesus has an incredible sense of humor, I’ll tell ya.
In the Autumn of 2016 (funny, 4 years from the last opened door), I started studying Hinduism. I was listening to a lot of Hindi music, while trying to practice some of the festival rituals that are held usually on the other side of the world. I even wrote a blog about it here!!!!!
But if you are a subscriber or devoted follower to my website, you know that this was my last blog. November 6, 2016. Exactly TWO weeks later, I fell off the proverbial ledge and went underground, like Persephone in the old Greek tales. For those two weeks, I lingered down there, because something was troubling me. I felt a weight on my shoulders and my chest was so heavy I couldn’t explain, let alone breathe. And then it happened.
November 18, 2016. I took a shower.
I know, that was anti-climatic. I just wanted you all to take a deep breath, cause we’re about to go down that rabbit hole.
Okay, so…Here’s where it gets weird:
It started out as nothing special. It was a Friday night, and my husband was out getting our food after dropping off my step-son at his mothers, my son was at a friend’s for the evening. It was just me and my doggie, Linus. I turned on some Native American music in our bedroom and strolled naked into the bathroom where I felt I could take a nice long, hot shower all by myself. There’s a freedom you feel when you have that alone time, and this was no exception. I was singing and dancing in the shower, taking my time to clean myself, when all of a sudden, I felt a presence with me. I turned around, and SO HELP ME GOD, Jesus was standing in the shower with me.
I wish I was making this up, but this is the stone cold truth.
There was nothing perverted, obviously, but more or less the shock value from my end created a moment of ice-breakage. He stood there with his arms crossed, not getting a bit wet, and said, “Sister, WHAT are you doing?” He had on a white robe, with what looked like a violet colored sash. He looked exactly like I had always pictured Him.
Frightened wasn’t the word. Stunned? Even more so. I told Jesus that I was taking a shower as He could see, thinking even for a second that maybe this was all being made up in my head, questioning in my head if I fell in the shower and blacked out, did I have wine I forgot I was drinking? But this….this was real. He said, “Don’t patronize me, Bridget! You KNOW what I’m talking about. ANOTHER RELIGION? Am I really THIS bad that you want to look for more salvation in something else because you can SEE it?” He sounded exasperated, if not annoyed to the core.
AND STILL, I kept thinking this was all being made up in my head.
And then in a loud, booming voice, He said:
“Do you REALLY want to ruin ALL that you have created up there?”
And the most frightening to me, He said,
“Am I really not enough for you?”
I immediately felt a twinge of pain, or maybe it was guilt, because I couldn’t understand what the HELL was going on, but apparently Jesus was legitimately upset with me. Upon realizing this, He then sighed and said something I’ll never forget:
“I want you to sing a song for me”, He said, “Remember that song you used to sing in choir, called ‘Hosea?’ Sing that for me. I like to think this is ‘OUR’ song.” (now, in any other circumstance, anytime given the chance to sing in the shower, I’m going to make that sh** happen.) But at this point I was having a heated conversation with Jesus in the SHOWER and the fear in me rose up, so I started singing quite softly:
“Come back to me, with all your heart, don’t let fear keep us apart.
Trees do bend, though straight and tall, so must we to others call.
Long have I waited for your coming home to me,
And living deeply our new life.
The wilderness will lead you, to your heart where I will speak.
Integrity, and justice, with tenderness, you shall know.
Long have I waited for your coming home to me,
And living deeply our new life.”
And just like that, 12 years of my life slowly washed away, like a silent tsunami coming in the middle of the night without any warning.
Everything I was, everything I THOUGHT I was, everything I thought I was going to be, disappeared in the blink of an eye.
I stood in the shower, looking down on my hands as the water was running off of me, and realized I was alone again. But this was different: I felt a loneliness I never felt before, and not only was it suffocating, it was profoundly heartbreaking. I started sobbing to the point I was shaking like someone hit me with a cattle prod. I started banging my fists on the wall of the shower so hard, bottles started falling off the shower shelf. I started screaming “I’m sorry! I’m SORRY! What have I done? I’m so sorry! Please forgive me!!!!” But Jesus was no longer there. I was utterly alone. I fell to my knees in absolute despair and realized what a fool I was. For over a decade I acted like I loved him and knew him, all the while allowing other things to get in the way; it was the most horrible act of defiance and dishonesty I ever did in my entire life.
And now I was alone. It was the darkest moment of my life to date.
But then I heard Him. And I felt this almost heated warmth flow through my body, as if I was encapsulated within something like an incubator. As I continued to sob on my knees, water still running, I heard Him:
“Shhhhhhh….Bridget Ohhhhhhh sweetheart, I know…..Welcome back! Welcome back. It’s alright. It’s alright. Just cry it out. I never left you, no matter how much you wanted me to let you go, I just couldn’t. And you know what? You didn’t want to let go either. It’s why you kept me silently close to you all these years, even when you told others I wasn’t there….shhhhhhh, no more tears. It’s over. The pain has been washed away….I made sure of this. No more tears, Bridget. Breathe in your new life.”
How does one recover from something like that?
I decided to delve into that part of me that has been in-fact, reborn.
I started reading the Bible. I stopped doing earthly rituals that benefited my wants. I began to walk on the side I promised myself 12 years ago I would never come back to. I went back to the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, where they welcome all creeds. I opted NOT to go to a Christian church at first, well, mainly because my brain still has a belief that so many of these big-built theater-like churches are all ego-based ministry trying to pull people in for money and numbers. Don’t get me wrong, let me explain before I get scolded: I’m not saying they are ALL this way, it’s just how my brain has been perceiving this for so many years, I can’t remember when the thought first entered my mind. Nevertheless, I started watching documentaries on the Bible, on Christianity as a whole, on Jesus’ humanity and divinity. And continued to go to the UU Fellowship until I realized I needed something more.
Most importantly, I got back to praying. At least, the kind of praying I used to do years ago, now with a better understanding rather than I was “told” to say it.
I began listening to people like Kat Kerr, who has been given the gift of visions of Heaven. And I then realized in an instant, that’s where my focus is going to be.
And what I need to do to get there.
I realized over the last several weeks that everything that I want, my garden, my homestead, future animals like chickens and goats, my front porch farm stand….all of it – has been cooking up in my brain and my heart with the absolute faith that one day I’ll get there. So, why now is this happening? Why has Jesus decided to make his presence known in the way it was presented?
I took some time to think about everything. The shower. Water. Emotion. Water is all about emotion. And whenever I take a shower, I like to think when the water is falling on me, all the crap and muck from the day is being washed away.
So yeah, in a very different but just as intimate way, I was reborn again.
What does this mean for the earthly spiritual Bridget who loves to talk about angels, mother earth and the seasons? Well, just hold on a sec. I’m still here. I’m still Bridget. I think that if anything, all my beliefs I have, are just that. I can’t change what I truly believe to be true, as feelings are neither right nor wrong. I think it has to do with what and more importantly, HOW we use our beliefs that makes up our character.
So, in the last several weeks, I’ve undergone much change. And it has been an amazing journey.
But you know what? I’m still burning sage, collecting crystals and such. But now I have a more intimate understanding of my uses for them. But no worries, I’m still the querky eclectic Bridget that will do anything to get people to smile.
I’m also going to continue celebrating the seasons through the Celtic Wheel of the Year method. Ancient farmers used this method, it wasn’t just religious symbolism. Many organic farmers today still work with the moon and the seasons of the year based on these ancient traditions, and not modern commercialism. So, as far as I’m concerned, Winter is over and Spring is here! It is early Spring, so things are still dead and it’s pretty damn cold outside. But some of my potted bulbs outside that don’t get hit with the frost are peeking out already. As far as I’m concerned, the days of Light and Life are coming back.
I know I may lose friends over this revelation, and that’s okay. Just as people evolve, I am sure relationships go through the same course.
Today my BFF Jenny and her amazing boyfriend Steven, took me to my first Christian service in what has been many years. Over the last week, I got to speak to my cousin, Jerry, who told me he was overjoyed and filled with so much love and happiness for me for my conversion and is looking forward to talking with me more.
The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind. I have met with so much amazing positive manifestations with my personal life in health and career. I have found myself immersed into personal Bible study and watching videos that seem to be calling me to watch. Each day I wake up, I ask for Grace, even though I am not worthy of it. I pray to have a good day and make good decisions. And each day has been wonderful. I feel like a child. I’m learning all over again.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be saved. But I do know, that feeling the presence of Jesus in my life has turned my life around. Everything that I am is changed. But, I am still Bridget. I promise you that. I am still open minded. Still an empathic bad-ass. Still a devout lover of Mother Earth. I’m just understanding my life a bit differently now. I’m understanding my spirit now. And most importantly, I’m understanding my heart.
This website will eventually change on some levels. My store will come down and hopefully I will be able to change my tax id to my alias name, The Bohemian Hobbit. The Spiral Willow will be closing. My tinctures and teas will still be around, and hopefully one day, I will be selling other things more deserving of my journey. If you are interested in buying certain things on my site, I will be posting them on my Facebook page, The Bohemian Hobbit until all is sold out. I will still be writing about Ascension, Homesteading, Permaculture, my love for Hobbits (well, DUH!), and of course, Spirituality. But in order for me to write from my heart, you will undoubtedly see the change in my writing. If you no longer feel comfortable with my writings, know I completely understand and you have every right to go. I will let you go freely with so much love and admiration, you’ll definitely feel it!!!!
As we begin the week for Valentine’s Day, I find it no coincidence that outside my husband and children, I have fallen madly in love with Jesus and becoming a born-again Christian. Take that as you will, all I know is that I stand here in witness, to tell you, that I have been changed. I am changed. What happened to me, was supernatural. Was intensely beautiful, and like I said, life – CHANGING.
And I will pray for the rest of my life this change will not only eventually save me, but will help me walk on a path to save and serve others.
I love you,
The Bohemian Hobbit