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Change…

I know I know, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted here.  Let’s just say the muse went on a vacation and she took a major sabbatical from my brain.  I don’t blame her.

Sitting here on this Sunday morning, I am looking around at all the trees, and noticing so many of them are still very green with most of their leaves still going strong.  And it’s October 30th *actually, it’s November 5th, it’s been a week since I typed this up and now I’m just getting to finish it *.  A bit unusual for this time of year, as the ending of the autumn season usually accompanies the falling of the leaves.  By early November, almost all the trees are bare. *actually, the trees are finally starting to change, and I have pictures of last Sunday versus this Sunday and see how they changed within 1 week*  And people say climate change isn’t real.  If people would stop for just a moment to see what our Earth is doing, they might actually agree.

(Our Sugar Maple)

(The Walnut Tree next door)

Change is everywhere in the air.  I am able to understand a little better now why I am feeling the blues hit me a little earlier than my normal time (which is usually between end of December to beginning of March).  The last time I felt the blues come on this early was 2008.  I was right on the cusp of a major life change.  The difference now than where I was in 2008, was that I am aware of the change.  Back then, my ego was still running the show, the MC of my life, so it allowed me blissful ignorance while I was doing my day to day activities.

The last few days I had been going over the life changes that were in store for me at the time I was unaware.  Who I was in 2008, is no longer on this plane of existence.  Like a leaf blowing in the wind before its final journey from tree to grass is complete, I said goodbye to that Bridget I once was.  Selfish, immature, narcissistic, egocentric, and living in the world of victim-hood, shedding those facets that made up of who I was, was challenging yet liberating.  I truly believed that once I shed that skin, the real Bridget would be out and I would then live my days in this new frame of existence.

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How silly I was to think that was to be the last change!

Yes, its true, we shed physically every 7-9 years.  Astrologically speaking, we go through major changes every 17-19 years.  Right now I’m smack in the middle of my second nodal return.  Changes I am going through are enough to keep me on my toes.  Honestly, up until a few weeks ago, I thought I was in a good place in all areas of my life.  Sure, there is ALWAYS room for improvement, but I guess I thought the majority of my life was pretty much it, and I was pretty content with that knowledge.  Who would have thought my ego was still peeking through?

I have learned through grace and humility that ego does not like to be wrong.  It wants to win every time.  Ego will fight when you try to change.  That’s all ego knows.  Instead of fighting the ego, love it.  Bless it.  Acknowledge it.  Then keep moving.  Spending more and more time with ego will cause backwards thinking, stagnancy and despair.  I know because I’ve done it.  That “Stuck” feeling we get from time to time?  Depression?  Anxiety?  That’s all ego is.  When we step away from it, we come closer to our true selves.

If you are a follower of me on Social Media, then you probably saw a post not too long ago about me feeling a shift of my Spirituality.  For almost 2 decades, I have felt a kinship and a love for Earth Spirituality.  Being in Communion with God out in Nature proved to be one of the most intense and deep loves that I felt in a long time.  When I officially walked away from the Catholic Church on December 21, 2012, I truly believed I found where I was supposed to be.  I studied so many religions and faiths over the years, Earth Spirituality was most definitely *the* path I felt called to be a part of.  And for over 20 years, it’s where my heart lied.  Until recently.

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Now, don’t get me wrong, my heart still lies there, just like it still lies with Catholicism in some ways.  When you emerge and align your body, mind and soul with a particular faith, you go all in.  Your whole world becomes taken over by it.  It’s literally like falling in love with someone.  Butterflies, a longing to be a part of them in every way.  I truly believe that’s how a person feels when they delve into a life change they have been craving to be a part of.  All the endorphins are finally released, creating a euphoric high within you.

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This is precisely how I have been feeling when I allowed myself to dive into Hinduism.

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What’s funny, is that for some time now, there were signs that I never bothered to take notice of.  From listening to Hindu music, Bollywood, just my overall love for Indian culture, yoga, meditation, Tibetan prayer flags (both Hindu and Buddhist) at home and at work, my sudden love for Lakshmi. Buddhas all around my home and at work (yes I know that’s Buddhist but humor me here).  Yes, the signs WERE there.  But I chose not to listen or look at them.  I had always been interested in Eastern Religions, as they go further back than Christianity and most other modern day religions.  But lately, Hinduism has been catching my eye, and most importantly, my heart.  Would you believe who I found in Hinduism?

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(Yup, that’s right….that’s Jesus)

The only thing I’m not sure if I feel comfortable with is the idea of an incarnation of Shiva, or Guru.  It’s different from being a Karmapa (a living incarnation of Buddha). There are many representations of Shiva who are considered enlightened Masters or Swami’s.  Sadly, I have read many of them have controversies that are aligned with them.  From overcharging people for retreats/enlightenment courses (some can run around $10,000 a week), to sexual assault, and deception.  I learned long ago that all religions have their bad eggs, so I shouldn’t be surprised by what I found.  One teacher I have found I feel connected to, and although his name isn’t without some controversy (that later proved to be false so please don’t go trying to dig stuff up, I already did my research), he came into my dreams this past week and told me to come to his Ashram.

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(Paramahamsa Sri Nithyananda otherwise known as Swamiji)

I was like, “What the heck is an Ashram?”  I had to Google it when I got up the next morning, and found it was a monastic community-like place where you go to pray with him. I’ve been reading up on his words and teachings, watching his videos, and quite frankly, there’s so much that he says that correlates with Jesus, it’s almost freaky to think they are kindred souls.  What I found was fascinating.  So many people have the impressions that Hindus believe and worship idols.  They do not.  They believe in ONE God.  One Divine Creator.  And within God, there are many dieties, enlightened masters, gurus, teachers, however you want to call them, that are the physical representations of God.  That they ask not to be worshipped, but to be called upon to help aid in our prayers going to God.  Sounds a lot like the Saints and Angels, doesn’t it?  The fact remains is that even practicing Earth Spirituality, I found Jesus, who has always been there since Day 1.  Moving onto a new path, I find Him again.  How Lakshmi is the representation of the Blessed Mother.  Different culture, same soul.  Does it mean I need to go back to Catholicism?  Heck no.  I love that I can continue to explore my profound and devout love through different cultures and different paths.  As I’ve said so many times, there are MANY paths to the top of the same mountain.

In the end, I feel that my journey in life is taking me down a new road.  I do not know if it will pan out, but I do know that in order for me to know, I need to do the walk. Bless.

 

 

 

 

 

Nature Therapy and the First Generation of the Sacred Gardens of Mabon House…

All I want to do is be at home in my gardens. If there was any addiction I wouldn’t mind having, it is the addiction to being outside in nature. Now, before any finger-pointing people start telling me no addiction is good for you – allow me to explain further. Trust me on this – I am an addict…so I know all about addiction.

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Addiction by definition is “An unusually great interest in something or a need to do or have something.” Over the years, I have been addicted to food and prescription pain medicine.  And because of that, we all know that when you hear someone who is “addicted” to something, one immediately jumps to the conclusion that something is wrong. I am here to tell you that even as an addict, this is not necessarily the case. Coming from an addictive personality myself, I can totally relate to the feeling of needing to have or want something that I crave.

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But that doesn’t necessarily mean that my feelings for that are malignant in nature. I mean, let’s face it – addiction of all kinds CAN be bad. That’s the truth. When you do one thing too much, it tends to lead to isolation from social interaction and impairs normal ranges of judgement. With things like drugs, alcohol, sex, food, continuously plaguing our world, it’s no wonder the word addiction has such a horrible stigma to the name.

And so, I have tried in earnest, to take my addictive personality, and use it towards something healthier. For me, it’s gardening.

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Years ago I had a dream to build a Goddess Permaculture Paradise Plan (or as I like to call it, the GP3 haha).  I never had a name for it until my friend Colette, who is the magical mistress at Bealtaine Cottage ( http://www.bealtainecottage.com ), coined the phrase “Goddess Permaculture Paradise”.  Unfortunately, in 2007, that dream was put on hold when my life was turned upside down and everything I once had, had been taken away from me. Here I am, 9 years later, and my dream is back on with a vengeance. An involuntary sabbatical that left me depressed but also more motivated than ever to refocus on my dream has presented itself in my new home, appropriately named, Mabon House.  If you are just reading my blogs for the first time, my husband Scott and I purchased this home in October 2015.  Since we follow the 8 Earth Festival holidays, we decided to name our home after the holiday we just celebrated, called Mabon, which means “Gratitude and Thanksgiving”.

(A little slice of our home, Mabon House)

Utilizing my friends Colette and Jacqueline (who are truly some of Gaia’s hand maidens) as my muses, I KNOW NOW, I have found my calling. Yup. Who knew? At 42 years old, I FINALLY found my calling.

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(Some areas of Bealtaine Cottage, one of my favorite places on Earth)

So, riddle me this, Hobbits…HOW do I proceed?

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(Mother Moon Monastery and Herb Farm, another favorite place I wish to visit – please check her website at http://www.moonmother.net )

When you are living paycheck to paycheck, it’s actually quite impossible to be “living the dream.” Yet, I cannot tell you how many self-help gurus, books, memes and everything else under the sun tell me that it CAN be done! Truth is, I DO believe this. I believe we are magical, spiritual beings that can do ANYTHING if we truly put our mind to it. And if it doesn’t happen, then it wasn’t meant to be AT THAT MOMENT. It doesn’t mean it won’t happen later down on your road of life. I’m living proof this has happened. And that the universe will surely reward for our love of trying and enduring the trials that come with it. I really do believe this. I teach this to people I mentor. Isn’t it funny though, when the teacher sometimes need to be taught?

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On Mother’s Day, the majority of my afternoon and evening was spent in my gardens. I say gardens because I am planning on having little gardens spread throughout the property.  (Please see my previous video blog on my quick tour around the back gardens).  On the following Tuesday, after an incredibly difficult day, I went to my favorite garden nursery (Renninger’s in Royersford, PA), and went on a little shopping spree since they were having a sale. And less than 30 minutes later, I was back in my gardens, tinkering and toiling. It’s my therapy. My NEEDED therapy.

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What’s in my garden, you ask? Oh dear Hobbits….have I got treats for you!

For the veggies, I’ve got String Beans, Sweet Peas, Russian Kale, Hugh’s Cabbage, Green Cabbage, Spinach, Broccoli, Cauliflower, 3 types of Tomatoes, 2 types of Onion, Leeks, Red Bell and Sweet Banana Peppers, Scallions, Beets, Nastercians, Eggplant, Blue Kale, Potatoes and Carrots.

In the fruit department, I’ve got Raspberries and Strawberries. And soon to be planting seeds from my organic lemons, because…why the hell not?

In the herbal/flower section, I’ve got Calendula, Italian Parsley, Dill, Basil, Sage, Thyme, Sweet Marjoram, Patchouli, Feverfew, Chamomile, Angelica, Lemon Balm, Lemon Verbena, Lavender, Passion Flower, Comfrey, Valerian Root, Purple Deadnettle, Plantain (not the banana type-the medicinal herb type) and Gladioli.

In the tree department I’ve got Dogwoods, Hawthorn (appropriated named The Fairy Wood), and Crab Apples. My Willow cuttings from Bealtaine Cottage in Ireland sadly didn’t make it over the winter, mainly because Linus pulled them out and ate them. Sigh…a little rascal, indeed.

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(my clever little rascal of a doggie, Linus VanPuggle)

On Thursday, after working half a day and getting some appointments done, I will be exactly where I am most happy – in my gardens. Do you know that every morning, I walk outside before leaving for work, letting my beloved plants know I will be back soon enough, then sit in the meditational nook and speak to my Mother, Gaia. Sometimes I call her Gaia, sometimes I call her Mary, sometimes I call her Lakshmi, but in the end, she is the same, she is One Mother. My Mother. Not to take away my own love for my Mom, Eileen, as my love for her swells past the ages, I don’t think she will ever understand the depth of unconditional love I have for her, even though we both make each other crazy. In the end, she is my Mother. And even though I don’t agree with things she believes in, if there is one thing I have taken from her teachings, it is to unconditionally love. This has been the greatest teaching she and my Father have given me. Something I once took for granted, and never again will question. This is truth buried beneath my very bones.

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The fact that for the next 3 ½ days I will be spending time in my gardens has made me squeal with such excitement. It’s funny how some people absolutely hate the thought of working in the garden or yard. For me, it is therapy. Deep therapy. And Mum Gaia is my therapist.

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I am excited also that you, my readers, will be joining me on this journey I have been talking about for how many years? And now it’s finally here. My heart swells. My cup runneth over.

Come, walk with me…

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(My lavender is beginning to flower)

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(Same as my lemon verbena…flowers=seeds!!!!)
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(Transplant babies. From seed to garden)
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(First flower of my Nastercians!)
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(Tomatoes and Passion Flower galore! )
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(My pretty Hibiscus I had to take home with me…)

The Demon Within…

One of the biggest things I deal with during this particular time of the year is the big D.  Most people know what I speak of, and I’m sure many of you are sitting on the other side of your computer nodding in complete and utter understanding.

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Depression, as many know, is when a chemical imbalance in our brains result in a disruption of some-sort, creating a sort of chaos in our bodies that causes hopelessness. Most times, depression is the result of a tragedy a person experiences, whether it be a death, break-up, or any of loss of “something”….Sometimes, in my case, it could be just a simple explanation of the weather 5 feet from me.  It is one of my biggest struggles I face with in life, and every year I pray and pray that somewhere, somehow, this feeling of sadness would end.

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So, let’s talk about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)….

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It goes without saying that everyone, both of human and animal alike, NEED sunlight.  The vitamins coming from the sun gives off so much energy and a pulse of life itself, there is no wonder why people love to “Sun bathe”.  Sadly, for me, I’m a Celt by blood.  A mixture of Irish, English, Scottish, and German.  So, putting my pasty self outside for more than a few moments will cause my skin to scream.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t love to be out in the sun.  It’s why I am a morning person, so to speak…(I say that because during the Monday-Friday deal, I’m not really worth talking to in the morning, but that’s a whole other story LOL)

In the Northern Hemisphere, at the time of Litha, otherwise known as Midsummer or the Summer Solstice, the Sun is at his prime, beaming down with such veracity, it even finds the shadiest of places.  But sadly, after that prime day of days, the Sun begins its fall.  And within 6 months, the Sun, although still shining, does not have the luster and awe that we had just a few months before.  For many people, this time is the beginning of Winter.  And we start our slow climb back to the manifestation of the gifts the Sun gives us in the Spring and Summer.

So, during the time after the holiday and New Year season ends, there is a period of silence.  Nothing really happens until the next little break, which is Valentine’s Day.  And then, after that, is the Spring Equinox, Ostara, or as many know it to be, Easter.

What do we do during this period?  Well, for me, I kind of go crazy and start cleaning and regrouping my life, creating goals for the warmer weather to come, all while taking care of my mind, body and soul, who is sadly ill-at-ease over the lack of warm sunlight, growth and overall life.

It’s why I love living myself according to the Celtic Seasonal Calendar.  It makes sense for me, because I always was like a month early to prepare for each season/holiday.  In just a few weeks, MY Winter will be over.  On February 1st, I celebrate the feast day of St. Bridget, who holds the keys of the kingdom for my favorite Season: Spring.

February 1st in the Celtic Calendar is the Season of Imbolc (Pronounced IMM-OLCK).  It is the beginning of the Springtime, the time where our Mother Earth is stirring and beginning her slow process of “waking up”.  Just as we, each morning, open our eyes, stretch our arms and legs, and get reacquainted with the morning and the light, so does Mother Earth.  The soil, through its Winter hibernation, begins to warm up, allowing the seeds within the soil to take heed and blossom.  One of the greatest gifts we can get in the Early Springtime are Crocuses.  They are Mother Nature’s quiet little trumpets, usually peeking up within the snow and cold ground, alerting us all that warm weather IS coming back.  That is the beauty of this planet.  Of where I live.  We know Spring follows Winter.  It’s how life is.

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So, what do I do in the meantime?  Even as I type this out, on this lazy Sunday morning, I feel sad.  Sad because going outside would require me to bundle up because the air is SO cold, it would actually hurt my skin.  Make my eyes water.  Even the “smell” of life, is not there.

What makes me gaga over being outside?  Feeling the grass beneath my bare feet.  Smelling the seasonal flowers breezing through the air.  Seeing the magnificent trees, shrubs and bushes blossom with beautiful green leaves…In the Celtic myths, Autumn and Winter meant Jack Frost was out and about, dropping hints of frost and ice among everything alive, telling them it’s time to die or go to sleep….In the Spring and Summer Months, Jack in the Green is our go-to guy.  He is the one who warms the skies and the Earth, and instead of frost, we have beautiful droppings of dew.

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(one of MANY Jack in the Green Parades held every year in Europe)

This is what makes my pulse quicken, my heart smile and my soul beam.  Warmth, light….like Persephone feeling so out of touch down in the Underworld, where she could not use her Gift with the Living World, and patiently waited until it was time for her to go back up, and be among the Living again, to feel the warmth of the Sun on her skin…Yes, I feel the exact same way.

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Since going off all Depression and Anxiety medicine, and opting for my Kratom intake, I can honestly say it hasn’t been TOO smooth sailing.  Of course it would be easy for me to put some chemicals into my body and numb myself…but it would be a disservice to me to do so.  I know not everyone agrees with me on that.  I always welcome other’s opinions and ideas…it’s just…it’s not for me.  I’ve been very careful over the last several years to deal with my addiction to pain killers…and for someone like me who is always in some kind of pain, it’s an easy excuse for me to pop a pill and call it a day.

No, as much as times like these where I wish I had something to numb my physical and emotional pain of the Winter, I know that in the end, it helps me SEE who I really am, because I am completely bare and open to the senses entirely.  I feel things now more than I ever have.  So, yes, the depression sucks.  But I also know, that there are times I feel such immense joy, that knowing I wouldn’t even feel an inch of that when trying to control my depression with medicine, gives me the honest knowing that I’m doing the right thing.

Don’t get me wrong:  I think about taking something every day.  Even right now, I feel incredibly blue (Get it?  Winter “blues”?) and staring at the walls may be what I need right now to numb the sadness of the lack of life outside….

This depression began in 2001.  And slowly progressed as the years went on…Now that I am in the beginning stages of my body slowing down and turning into the Crone, I feel this even more.

How do I deal with it?  It’s a demon inside of me I deal with every day between Thanksgiving and about Mid-March.  For some people it’s less time, and for others, it’s more.  It feels like the Postpartum depression I had for the first 4 weeks after my son’s birth.  It begins as a nagging feeling, that turns into a feeling of dread.  Dread?  Yup, dread.  It overtakes me like a demon overtakes a human…I cry at everything and anything, I sleep more, I stare more, and I tend to lash out more.  My husband, sons, parents, sisters and closest friends know it the depression talking.  The know this silly little hobbit doesn’t usually act like this, and know how to approach me during my times of struggle.  They know and respect the fact I don’t want chemicals in my body.  They are patient and kind, and allow me the time and patience I need for myself to understand how my body reacts to this rough season.

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(seriously, whoever created these are a GENIUS)

Kratom certainly helps, but, it is just a band aid.  It does NOT take away the full feelings.  But it does lessen the load.  And the best part?  It does not numb me.  If there could be anything that I hate, it is the numbness of my body, mind and soul.  To lose the essence of your life just because there’s a period of time each year where I feel sad, it’s just not enough for me to make that kind of decision.  That’s not for me to judge anyone who DOES.

So, for the next few weeks, I will be quietly tinkering away at my new home.  Putting things in their place, and dealing with the sadness I not only feel for the cold months, but for other things I cannot control.  It’s a continued lesson in humility, and I love that I’m always up for the challenge, no matter how tired and sad I’m feeling at the moment.

What makes me happy during the colder months?

  • Music – Usually Celtic/Irish/Scottish music, 80’s Pop, and some Sacred World music, from either Lisa Thiel, Snatnam Kaur, or Spiral Dance
  • Painting – I am still trying to find my easle, but the moment I do, I’m off!
  • Festivals – There is an amazing Scottish and Irish Festival that happens in February, and it truly lifts up my spirits EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
  • Garden Planning – For the first time since 2007, I will have my own garden again.  Planning it has definitely helped tremendously during this time.
  • Snuggles – My boys know all these need to do is snuggle up to me, it will bring a big smile.  I love my family.
  • Cleaning – I tend to light A LOT of incense that smells of lavender, jasmine, and other springy smells…as well as light lots of candles…and the smell of Pine Sol?  OMG Don’t go there with me…it’s like heaven haha!
  • Ritual – if there is anything I love to do, is to be in ritual with myself.  That time you give to yourself, whether it is meditating, chanting, praying, or even something simple like taking a nice, warm bath…yes, it helps a great deal.

I know there are probably more, but these are the big ones.  Tell me about what you do!  I am always looking for suggestions.

Lots of Hobbit Love,

Bridget

 

The Ascension Series: The Good and Bad Symptoms…

Usually I steer off onto different subjects whenever I am blogging, but right now it seems I am being called to continue my talks on Ascension and Awakening Symptoms that I know many people are going through. This past weekend was no exception. So, I’m going to indulge in some things that if you catch on to what I’m saying, great! If not no biggie, I really don’t want to throw out this big announcement before everything has been finalized. So, I ask you all for a little latitude in how I am writing right now. (yes, I’m going to be throwing in some clues in this post without giving it away, so if you catch it, wonderful – you know my secret news I am hoping to tell the world in the next few weeks).

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(Some photos from our mini-holiday in Ocean City, NJ)

There are days in which I receive a DNA Activation/Ascension Symptom that can be insanely euphoric. Over the last several months my life alone has had its share of ups and downs, and although so many were amazing “ups”, there were plenty of “downs” that literally sent me into a downward spiral. It’s funny, the more I think about it, it’s been almost manic and maybe I HAVE been displaying symptoms of Bi-Polar disorder, as my former doctor tried to tell me. I refused to believe him, to the point I left his practice, after being there from the time I was 13. He wanted me to take a drug called Seraquil, which quite frankly I took for all of 2 days and hopped off of it immediately because I felt I was literally going crazy. Realizing now that this is not a matter-of-fact issue regarding my human-ness, but rather this pertains to my soul-ness. And sadly, no doctor will listen to you if you come to them and say “I’m going through the Ascension process!” HA! That sounds crazy-legit, and even I know not to go to the doctor with that kind of mentality. No, I have found that my basic issues I have as a human are good for going to the doctor, and the bigger stuff, well, I feel a higher calling is a little more qualified for the job.

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So, many people know when going through the Ascension process your emotions are truly off the charts. I tip my hat to my sweet husband, who sometimes hasn’t a clue what to do with me when I am having an intensified activation or just an overall difficult time with a particular symptom I am dealing with at the moment. It’s not fair to him, and I feel terrible about it. When you see what I see, and feel what I feel (which I know many can agree with me here), it can be incredibly difficult to get your partner to understand what you are going through, especially if they themselves are not fully awakened. The process can be heavenly and equally hellish.

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(The Eye of the Bohemian Hobbit – awake)

Okay, so the good symptoms? I’m going to give you some brief ideas of some of the good symptoms. Mind you-I might be alone in some of these, and others will find many who might be able to resonate. Each human is on their own separate journey, but some of us are working together currently in each other’s lives, and so on and so on…There are times, and this has happened while I was driving, eating lunch, surfing the internet, or even just sitting alone in my bedroom, and something inside me starts to stir. The only way I can describe it is the butterfly effect. That feeling of euphoria, happy jitters, the kind you feel when you are falling in love, or winning the lottery, or finding out a seller agreed to your offer on a house, or getting ready to walk down the aisle. So, what is happening if you aren’t experiencing the things I stated above, yet your body is reacting that way? Well, for me it was little things. The way the sky looked, or glancing at the clock with numbers like 1111, or hearing a song or sound that somehow made you feel like you were having some brilliant out of body experience. This weekend I had an activation. I was priviledged to go on a mini-holiday with my parents, husband and sons to the coast. My parents rented a house right on the beach, and I hadn’t been at a beach front house since I was a teenager. I had the chance to sit by myself on the porch at sunset, facing the ocean.  I can’t even explain how extraordinary it was. To be able to sit there, listen to the tides, watch the moon rise, and see the stars come out in their glistening glory. I felt myself starting to get emotional, as if realizing how truly small we are in this universe. That we have to be such an arrogant species to think we are alone here. And I felt a longing all of a sudden, that like my vacation home, Earth was a place I was just “visiting”. That in reality, my home wasn’t here, it was somewhere out “there”. And I felt…magical. I closed my eyes and this energy came around me I hadn’t felt in my body before, yet it wasn’t UNFAMILIAR. Like someone I hadn’t seen in a long while had come up from behind me to give me a great big bear hug. It was comforting. I felt my chest open up, as if all the organs in the front part of my torso were being exposed. I felt free and light, like I could be easily swept up from that porch and into the night sky to dance with the heavens around me. It was an amazing experience.

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(Photo courtesy of Land of Euphoria on Tumblr)

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Now, the not-so-good symptoms. These can be horrific. They come as demons in the night, shouting at you, making you believe your ego is making you think of these things, that you are not loved, that you are not special. And the rage inside of me becomes so suppressive I feel like I’m going to burst. When we got home from our holiday yesterday, I experienced this one particular symptom, and the victim of this was my husband, who watches over me when I go through this process. All of a sudden, I felt alone, afraid, lonely, shut down, like everything that is happening to me is just an illusion. Maybe I have been just making it up? Maybe the world is really evil? Maybe I am truly mental? Going through these moments can be terrifying. My husband knows exactly when I am going through these motions, because things like clutter and a messy room, especially with our beginning to pack our boxes again, although on a normal basis I really don’t like, but sometimes, something as simple as a sock on the floor will put me in a place of utter despair. And I feel there is no hope. I know; sounds manic, right? Truth is I’m not upset with the sock, or the clutter. I’m upset because I know deep inside of me there’s more going on and my physical 3D body can’t experience it. Take for instance a great scene from the Kevin Smith movie Dogma. Alan Rickman’s character as the Seraphim Metatron, when he stated, “Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the AWESOME power of God’s true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out…”

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Hahahaha,so true. It’s why we’re here and why we feel separated from God. That’s part of our journey. To find out in the end that we never really separated from God in the first place! Sadly, our 3D bodies cannot understand what our souls already know. So, it’s literally like the battle between heaven and hell, with heaven being our souls and hell being the physical body it lives in. Religion likes to play a stake in this game we call life with crowd control and blind faith. But, we are capable of so much more in this world! It is sadly our minds that keep us thinking of how limited we are, and it is the very thing that keeps us from ascending in the first place. So yes, the hard part of ascension is the release of the ego. God is the IAM of the soul, the Ego is the IAM of the body. Since God is our creator, the Ego has really no power. Yet, we allow our Ego to have it. So, why wouldn’t our process of Ascension be difficult? Almost like blind faith, but it isn’t. Because our souls know all the answers to the universe. This is why I don’t believe in a “devil” or “Hell” after death from this life. I believe the devil and our ego/pride are equals, and the life we make from our ego and pride is the very essence of hell. We can overcome this, however, through the process of Ascension.

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(Photos courtesy of Matheusw and My Sweetest Darkness on Tumblr)

Right now through the end of this year, the Ascension process is being kicked up a notch for many people, myself included. Expect a LOT more of these things to happen in the coming months, especially September and October. We are going through many shifts in the universal planes, and because of this, our souls are being alerted, like a sleep alarm clock going off, letting us know it’s time to wake up.

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Will you get up or will you continue to hit that snooze button?

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The Times They Are A Changin’…

Sad-girl-alone-sitting-in-beach-watching-waves-image-picture-1111x738It’s funny when depression and anxiety hits a person does the writing muse want to take a vacation.  Sadly, the lack of finding the house (yes, I know I’m beating a dead horse by continuously talking about it) has caused me to retreat.  It’s one of the reasons why I haven’t written.  Because finding a house has totally consumed my life.  Well, it’s kind of hard to not have it consume me.  My home, once a quaint bohemian living abode, has now turned into Cardbox City.  Everywhere I turn there are boxes, filled and empty, waiting for my next move.  It is a constant reminder that my life is out of alignment and unstable.  Two things that literally drive me crazy.  Feeling that I don’t have control over my own life can really take a toll, and so, I have found myself feeling rather blue during one of the most beautiful times of the year.

I’m sitting at my laptop today because some movement in my personal life hit this morning, and whenever that happens, I need to act on it immediately before my rational mind tells me to step back.

Now, I know people who read my blog read it for many purposes.  Some like to actually read what I have to say, some are here just to be nosy and check up on me, and others, well, others are simply here to find out what crazy shit Bridget is up to now.  It’s sadly the truth, and although in the past the judgements have haunted me like never ending nightmares, I have learned through a lot of soul searching and maturity that I need to stop focusing on how people view me, and start focusing on how I view me.  A liberating experience, to say the least, coming from a reputable and conservative family, to have their eldest child break out of a box to protect me, unleashing emotional turmoil along with equal bouts of total bliss.  It’s who I am and at 41 years old, I refuse to change me.  Funny, I will never understand how I am now, and how some people question me now, and wish I could return to the former me, when the former me most people couldn’t stand.  Being free from the social experimentation of trying to “fit in” has been the most uplifting and amazing journey of my life, next to the birth of my son.

This week I was told that in the next couple weeks I am going to learn my fate of the position in my current job.  My department at my job has decided to consolidate with other groups, forming one big department.  The problem with this, is that my department is not defined by the regulations that the other groups are bound to.  But, the higher ups are considering putting us within this mold.  This could mean my life will change drastically over the next year, and it frightens me to no end.  My work currently does not expect me to be licensed within the Federal Regulated guidelines.  But since my team is merging with groups that are regulated, there is a possibility that I will have to become a licensed professional.  I know, doesn’t sound like a bad thing, right?  It would mean a promotion in the end, and a better career path.  But here’s the thing that many people who didn’t know me 5 years ago: 5 years ago, I took a similar license, smaller and easier compared to the license I may be required to obtain now.  I didn’t pass.  And I was terminated from my company.  But my love for wanting to work there resulted in me coming back as a contractor, thus coming back into the company through the “back door”.  I have since worked within unlicensed departments over the last 5 years, and my career has been amazing.

Now, I see myself at a cross roads.  June 30th I am going to be told my fate.  My insomnia that has already been on the radar over the house hunting is now adding additional lost sleep because of this.

What do I do?  Will I have to quit and find a new job?  Is this the opportunity to actually leave this career and begin a new one?  I know many of you know how much I love Juice Plus and the fact I have been trying to wait until I move into a new home to start this little side business, making additional money for my family.  Should I begin now in case I fail this test?  Should we just stay in this apartment?  Should I sell most of my things?  See, these are the very things going through my mind, because I have to be realistic.  I can’t assume I’m going to pass.  I have to think ahead and figure out what will happen if I go through what I went through November 29th, 2010?  Looking at a computer screen, realizing I was 1 point from passing a test, and thus no longer an employee at my beloved company.

I’m trying to hold back the tears right now typing this, because I hate more than anything not knowing what is going on.  I will admit I hate abrupt change.  But yet, there’s a fire in my belly that’s telling me it’s going to be okay.  And that there are reasons, specific reasons why things are going this way right now.

It has been absolutely imperative that I be authentic.  Even if it means upsetting those I love around me.  I wish I could change that, to appease other’s fears. But doing that would only make me unhappy.  And I love who I am.  I really do.  I know people don’t understand that.  I know and really, I am truly sorry for that.

I am a 41 year old woman.  I’m a wife, a mother, a step-mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a godmother, a niece, best friend, a lover, a business woman, a gypsy, a bohemian, a wild woman, a domestic goddess, a writer, a hobbit.    So here’s my question:  How do I merge all of these things into one aspect of myself?  The answer is:  I can’t.  I am many things, and that’s that.  I am many things to many people, and some to some people.  There are so many facets of myself, and just like my job, one can either accept it or walk away.  But it will never change the course of my fate.  It is the only thing I like about change.  The evolution of it.  Rather than abrupt, coarse change, I love the slow, loving, almost ritual aspect of change.  Watching someone turn into the person they are supposed to be, during each chapter/level of their journey.  And as you all know from everything I’ve said above, I’m going through just that.

Today I looked in the mirror and noticed I wanted to change something.  It took me a while, but I realized it was my hair.  Last fall I did something drastic and cut most of my hair off and put low and highlights in it, to gradually accept my ever coming in white hair.  However, winter has passed and summer is upon us, and I felt another longing.  Last year I started wearing dread-lock extensions in my hair.  They are simply beautiful and I always get compliments every time I wear them.  I find it incredibly ignorant for people to think only African Americans are the only ones allowed to wear dread-locks.  They are simply beautiful and if used correctly, anyone would look amazing.  So, today, I decided to test my hair.  Already so thin from my thyroid disease, I was hoping this wasn’t going to fail, and my hair did not disappoint!

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I know, I can already hear the groans….”oh Bridget…what ARE you doing?” and “You’re 41 and a Mother!” I know!  And guess who was the one who suggest I do it????  That’s right!  My son!!!!

He always tells me how beautiful I am, and that no matter what I wear, how I do my hair, my inner beauty stands out.  Such an old soul.  So, going to run a trial and see how this looks in a bun tomorrow, and see if I can pull this off in a professional manner.  I’m curious.  I have realized that although I love my job, I cannot be who I really am there.  Who I am is not part of society’s version of “professional”.  Well, I’d like to change that attitude.  Gradually.  Starting with something like hair.  I’m actually kind of excited how I’m going to look tomorrow, and if it’s a go, I will continue down this new path and see how it goes.

I guess in the end I need to remember this very important point:

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2 days of work this week, then a mini vacay with my husband and kids.  I guess there’s good in change..whether its work, scenery, your home, your hair, beliefs. whatever.  I guess in change, it gives us the opportunity to blossom even more into who we are meant to be.

And the anxiety slowly drifts away….Hello muse…I’ve missed you.

50 Things I LOVE!

Hi everyone!

Well, we didn’t get the house.  So, we are still searching.  But in the meantime, here’s a little fun reading of 50 things I love.  It wasn’t enough, but it would have become obnoxious if I allowed it to go past 50!  Thank you to my friend Melissa/Raven who brought this over on Facebook!  Here it goes!

50 Things I Love

  1. Gardening – I love getting my hands dirty and digging into the dirt and planting things.
  2. New Age/World/Earth Spirituality Music – Spiral Dancing, Native American Healing Music, Enya, Lisa Thiel, SJ Tucker, Dead Can Dance, Clannad, Blackmore’s Night just to name a few…
  3. Kratom – This little miracle tree has basically saved my life.
  4. The smell of Springtime in the air
  5. Campfires
  6. Chocolate Fudge
  7. Sitting on the Beach in the late Autumn
  8. Early December sunsets
  9. Celebrating the Seasons
  10. Impressionstic Artists – Edgar Degas, Vincent Van Gogh, Monet, just to name a few
  11. Everything Jane Austen ever wrote
  12. Every Jane Austen book that was put into a movie
  13. Everything that is Tolkien. Like everything.
  14. Going to sleep with my window fan on a coolish evening.
  15. Anything of a Celtic nature
  16. Anything of a Native American nature
  17. Crystals
  18. Oracle/Tarot decks.
  19. The Rosary. And everything that is the Virgin Mary.
  20. Strong and empowered women like Brighid, Hecate, Persephone, Diana, and Mary Magdelene.
  21. Jesus
  22. Moscato Wine
  23. Willow Trees
  24. Dream Catchers
  25. Playing Video games with my friends online (you know who you are!)
  26. Painting
  27. Early Autumn Days that are filled with rain and cloudy skies, so I can light candles and watch holiday movies.
  28. Halloween/Samhain
  29. Being a Wild Woman and empowering my Divine Feminine Self
  30. Yoni Eggs
  31. Being Healthy and learning about things to keep me healthy
  32. NOT being on medicine!
  33. British Comedies on PBS
  34. Collecting Tea Kettles
  35. Chocolate Fudge
  36. I love ALL animals.
  37. The feeling of getting off the parkway on the exit to the beach. It’s like all my worries go away
  38. Dreaming of making my life better
  39. Making my own incense
  40. Fuzzy socks on a cold night
  41. Folk Music
  42. Fairy, Celtic, Music and Renaissance Festivals
  43. Going to the Spa for the day
  44. Twinkle lights everywhere I can put them
  45. Lemonade Iced Tea
  46. Hammocks
  47. Thanksgiving
  48. Wearing dreadlocks in my hair.
  49. Pickles
  50. Putting my feet into the grass

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A New Dawn, A New Day….

bohopeaceEach day we are presented with at least a thousand decisions to make.  Decisions that only we, as a person, can only make. Whether we are children or adults, mentally stable or challenged in some way, each one of us has decisions to make.  And each decision, great or small, will always have a PROFOUND impact on our future lives.  Now, when we are children, little to no responsibility is put on us because of our age and intolerance for understanding the repercussions called consequences to our actions.  But where is that line drawn?  How old do we have to be to become mentally competent of our decision making process?  Well, I think to each his own is the best answer I could come up with in the last several hours of contemplation yesterday.  Some people mature at a young age, some, like myself, take 40 years to mature.  Some, well, some are still learning.  You can be the best parent or guardian in the world, but in the end our accountability is ours, no matter how much you want to slice it.  How people treat us is their karma, how we respond to it is ours.  This, my friends, is the biggest lesson in life I will ever learn.

See, many years ago before I became a troubled kid, mind you, I was basically a normal little girl, until an event in my life changed that.  We try so hard as parents to teach our children to follow a certain guideline when life throws us a bad curve ball, but we don’t always listen.  See, this is where accountability comes in.  How old does one need to physically be to be held accountable? I can’t give you this answer.  BUT, I CAN say, that when one emotionally and psychologically has the impact of becoming responsible, then it’s fair play.  Sadly for me, so much was blocked out until a few years ago, that when it finally came to pass, I had to become accountable for my own faults that happened 30 years ago. 

Each day we are presented with at least a thousand decisions to make.  And in the summer of 2012, I made a big decision.  One of the biggest of my life, presumably.  Let alone the hardest.  Granted, my memories from long ago swayed back into my life like the winds along the reeds, but these winds were sadly stormy.  If not hurricane-like.  Having to take accountability for things that happened so long ago can be difficult for someone because yes, it WAS long ago.  But when someone was hurt in the process; that long ago can feel like yesterday to that other person.  Taking in that perspective then, one has to stop their own process and understand that not everyone heals the way you do.  Not everyone understands and processes the same way you do.  And the moment one becomes to fully understand this, respect will take place, followed by a solemn bout of humility. 

I was given a gift yesterday that I did not deserve.  A gift of closure.  Just because my life has taken a turn for the better does not mean it’s time to forget the hurt I may have caused others along the way.  And trust me when I say, that is not the case.  Every person I have ever lied to, cheated, stole from, is on my mind every single day.  I think back to 20 years ago, 30 years ago, and I can honestly say, I don’t know who that girl was.  More and more my memories of that Bridget have faded, mainly because the beliefs, feelings, and understandings no longer resonate with the woman I am today.  I am a proud 41 year old woman.  A mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a godmother, soon to be wife, and a friend.  And every single person who is connected to me I love with all my heart and am protective to the core for their safety.  30 years ago, hell 20 years ago, I can’t even say that about myself.  Life for me began at the age of 40, and I am grateful to have been given a second chance at life.  But that does not mean I can forget the first 40 years and those that were hurt along the way.  I promise you, I will never forget.  And I will always ask for forgiveness, even though I probably don’t deserve it.

People, remember who you are, and if it’s not good, change it.  Be real, be honest, be blessed and most importantly, be humble.  Each one of us is fighting our own battles.  Some of those battles others are fighting are because of something we did to start it.  Own it and never forget.  But forgive yourself and continue to do the best you can every day.  That is really the best way to repay someone you’ve hurt.  Never forget and utilize those consequences as a tool to make those thousand decisions each day.

Being held accountable is a bitch.  But when it’s time to move on to the next chapter in your life, at least you can say you were, and it can never come back to harm you in the end. 

~ Bridget

morning