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Change…

I know I know, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted here.  Let’s just say the muse went on a vacation and she took a major sabbatical from my brain.  I don’t blame her.

Sitting here on this Sunday morning, I am looking around at all the trees, and noticing so many of them are still very green with most of their leaves still going strong.  And it’s October 30th *actually, it’s November 5th, it’s been a week since I typed this up and now I’m just getting to finish it *.  A bit unusual for this time of year, as the ending of the autumn season usually accompanies the falling of the leaves.  By early November, almost all the trees are bare. *actually, the trees are finally starting to change, and I have pictures of last Sunday versus this Sunday and see how they changed within 1 week*  And people say climate change isn’t real.  If people would stop for just a moment to see what our Earth is doing, they might actually agree.

(Our Sugar Maple)

(The Walnut Tree next door)

Change is everywhere in the air.  I am able to understand a little better now why I am feeling the blues hit me a little earlier than my normal time (which is usually between end of December to beginning of March).  The last time I felt the blues come on this early was 2008.  I was right on the cusp of a major life change.  The difference now than where I was in 2008, was that I am aware of the change.  Back then, my ego was still running the show, the MC of my life, so it allowed me blissful ignorance while I was doing my day to day activities.

The last few days I had been going over the life changes that were in store for me at the time I was unaware.  Who I was in 2008, is no longer on this plane of existence.  Like a leaf blowing in the wind before its final journey from tree to grass is complete, I said goodbye to that Bridget I once was.  Selfish, immature, narcissistic, egocentric, and living in the world of victim-hood, shedding those facets that made up of who I was, was challenging yet liberating.  I truly believed that once I shed that skin, the real Bridget would be out and I would then live my days in this new frame of existence.

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How silly I was to think that was to be the last change!

Yes, its true, we shed physically every 7-9 years.  Astrologically speaking, we go through major changes every 17-19 years.  Right now I’m smack in the middle of my second nodal return.  Changes I am going through are enough to keep me on my toes.  Honestly, up until a few weeks ago, I thought I was in a good place in all areas of my life.  Sure, there is ALWAYS room for improvement, but I guess I thought the majority of my life was pretty much it, and I was pretty content with that knowledge.  Who would have thought my ego was still peeking through?

I have learned through grace and humility that ego does not like to be wrong.  It wants to win every time.  Ego will fight when you try to change.  That’s all ego knows.  Instead of fighting the ego, love it.  Bless it.  Acknowledge it.  Then keep moving.  Spending more and more time with ego will cause backwards thinking, stagnancy and despair.  I know because I’ve done it.  That “Stuck” feeling we get from time to time?  Depression?  Anxiety?  That’s all ego is.  When we step away from it, we come closer to our true selves.

If you are a follower of me on Social Media, then you probably saw a post not too long ago about me feeling a shift of my Spirituality.  For almost 2 decades, I have felt a kinship and a love for Earth Spirituality.  Being in Communion with God out in Nature proved to be one of the most intense and deep loves that I felt in a long time.  When I officially walked away from the Catholic Church on December 21, 2012, I truly believed I found where I was supposed to be.  I studied so many religions and faiths over the years, Earth Spirituality was most definitely *the* path I felt called to be a part of.  And for over 20 years, it’s where my heart lied.  Until recently.

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Now, don’t get me wrong, my heart still lies there, just like it still lies with Catholicism in some ways.  When you emerge and align your body, mind and soul with a particular faith, you go all in.  Your whole world becomes taken over by it.  It’s literally like falling in love with someone.  Butterflies, a longing to be a part of them in every way.  I truly believe that’s how a person feels when they delve into a life change they have been craving to be a part of.  All the endorphins are finally released, creating a euphoric high within you.

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This is precisely how I have been feeling when I allowed myself to dive into Hinduism.

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What’s funny, is that for some time now, there were signs that I never bothered to take notice of.  From listening to Hindu music, Bollywood, just my overall love for Indian culture, yoga, meditation, Tibetan prayer flags (both Hindu and Buddhist) at home and at work, my sudden love for Lakshmi. Buddhas all around my home and at work (yes I know that’s Buddhist but humor me here).  Yes, the signs WERE there.  But I chose not to listen or look at them.  I had always been interested in Eastern Religions, as they go further back than Christianity and most other modern day religions.  But lately, Hinduism has been catching my eye, and most importantly, my heart.  Would you believe who I found in Hinduism?

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(Yup, that’s right….that’s Jesus)

The only thing I’m not sure if I feel comfortable with is the idea of an incarnation of Shiva, or Guru.  It’s different from being a Karmapa (a living incarnation of Buddha). There are many representations of Shiva who are considered enlightened Masters or Swami’s.  Sadly, I have read many of them have controversies that are aligned with them.  From overcharging people for retreats/enlightenment courses (some can run around $10,000 a week), to sexual assault, and deception.  I learned long ago that all religions have their bad eggs, so I shouldn’t be surprised by what I found.  One teacher I have found I feel connected to, and although his name isn’t without some controversy (that later proved to be false so please don’t go trying to dig stuff up, I already did my research), he came into my dreams this past week and told me to come to his Ashram.

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(Paramahamsa Sri Nithyananda otherwise known as Swamiji)

I was like, “What the heck is an Ashram?”  I had to Google it when I got up the next morning, and found it was a monastic community-like place where you go to pray with him. I’ve been reading up on his words and teachings, watching his videos, and quite frankly, there’s so much that he says that correlates with Jesus, it’s almost freaky to think they are kindred souls.  What I found was fascinating.  So many people have the impressions that Hindus believe and worship idols.  They do not.  They believe in ONE God.  One Divine Creator.  And within God, there are many dieties, enlightened masters, gurus, teachers, however you want to call them, that are the physical representations of God.  That they ask not to be worshipped, but to be called upon to help aid in our prayers going to God.  Sounds a lot like the Saints and Angels, doesn’t it?  The fact remains is that even practicing Earth Spirituality, I found Jesus, who has always been there since Day 1.  Moving onto a new path, I find Him again.  How Lakshmi is the representation of the Blessed Mother.  Different culture, same soul.  Does it mean I need to go back to Catholicism?  Heck no.  I love that I can continue to explore my profound and devout love through different cultures and different paths.  As I’ve said so many times, there are MANY paths to the top of the same mountain.

In the end, I feel that my journey in life is taking me down a new road.  I do not know if it will pan out, but I do know that in order for me to know, I need to do the walk. Bless.

 

 

 

 

 

Nature Therapy and the First Generation of the Sacred Gardens of Mabon House…

All I want to do is be at home in my gardens. If there was any addiction I wouldn’t mind having, it is the addiction to being outside in nature. Now, before any finger-pointing people start telling me no addiction is good for you – allow me to explain further. Trust me on this – I am an addict…so I know all about addiction.

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Addiction by definition is “An unusually great interest in something or a need to do or have something.” Over the years, I have been addicted to food and prescription pain medicine.  And because of that, we all know that when you hear someone who is “addicted” to something, one immediately jumps to the conclusion that something is wrong. I am here to tell you that even as an addict, this is not necessarily the case. Coming from an addictive personality myself, I can totally relate to the feeling of needing to have or want something that I crave.

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But that doesn’t necessarily mean that my feelings for that are malignant in nature. I mean, let’s face it – addiction of all kinds CAN be bad. That’s the truth. When you do one thing too much, it tends to lead to isolation from social interaction and impairs normal ranges of judgement. With things like drugs, alcohol, sex, food, continuously plaguing our world, it’s no wonder the word addiction has such a horrible stigma to the name.

And so, I have tried in earnest, to take my addictive personality, and use it towards something healthier. For me, it’s gardening.

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Years ago I had a dream to build a Goddess Permaculture Paradise Plan (or as I like to call it, the GP3 haha).  I never had a name for it until my friend Colette, who is the magical mistress at Bealtaine Cottage ( http://www.bealtainecottage.com ), coined the phrase “Goddess Permaculture Paradise”.  Unfortunately, in 2007, that dream was put on hold when my life was turned upside down and everything I once had, had been taken away from me. Here I am, 9 years later, and my dream is back on with a vengeance. An involuntary sabbatical that left me depressed but also more motivated than ever to refocus on my dream has presented itself in my new home, appropriately named, Mabon House.  If you are just reading my blogs for the first time, my husband Scott and I purchased this home in October 2015.  Since we follow the 8 Earth Festival holidays, we decided to name our home after the holiday we just celebrated, called Mabon, which means “Gratitude and Thanksgiving”.

(A little slice of our home, Mabon House)

Utilizing my friends Colette and Jacqueline (who are truly some of Gaia’s hand maidens) as my muses, I KNOW NOW, I have found my calling. Yup. Who knew? At 42 years old, I FINALLY found my calling.

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(Some areas of Bealtaine Cottage, one of my favorite places on Earth)

So, riddle me this, Hobbits…HOW do I proceed?

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(Mother Moon Monastery and Herb Farm, another favorite place I wish to visit – please check her website at http://www.moonmother.net )

When you are living paycheck to paycheck, it’s actually quite impossible to be “living the dream.” Yet, I cannot tell you how many self-help gurus, books, memes and everything else under the sun tell me that it CAN be done! Truth is, I DO believe this. I believe we are magical, spiritual beings that can do ANYTHING if we truly put our mind to it. And if it doesn’t happen, then it wasn’t meant to be AT THAT MOMENT. It doesn’t mean it won’t happen later down on your road of life. I’m living proof this has happened. And that the universe will surely reward for our love of trying and enduring the trials that come with it. I really do believe this. I teach this to people I mentor. Isn’t it funny though, when the teacher sometimes need to be taught?

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On Mother’s Day, the majority of my afternoon and evening was spent in my gardens. I say gardens because I am planning on having little gardens spread throughout the property.  (Please see my previous video blog on my quick tour around the back gardens).  On the following Tuesday, after an incredibly difficult day, I went to my favorite garden nursery (Renninger’s in Royersford, PA), and went on a little shopping spree since they were having a sale. And less than 30 minutes later, I was back in my gardens, tinkering and toiling. It’s my therapy. My NEEDED therapy.

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What’s in my garden, you ask? Oh dear Hobbits….have I got treats for you!

For the veggies, I’ve got String Beans, Sweet Peas, Russian Kale, Hugh’s Cabbage, Green Cabbage, Spinach, Broccoli, Cauliflower, 3 types of Tomatoes, 2 types of Onion, Leeks, Red Bell and Sweet Banana Peppers, Scallions, Beets, Nastercians, Eggplant, Blue Kale, Potatoes and Carrots.

In the fruit department, I’ve got Raspberries and Strawberries. And soon to be planting seeds from my organic lemons, because…why the hell not?

In the herbal/flower section, I’ve got Calendula, Italian Parsley, Dill, Basil, Sage, Thyme, Sweet Marjoram, Patchouli, Feverfew, Chamomile, Angelica, Lemon Balm, Lemon Verbena, Lavender, Passion Flower, Comfrey, Valerian Root, Purple Deadnettle, Plantain (not the banana type-the medicinal herb type) and Gladioli.

In the tree department I’ve got Dogwoods, Hawthorn (appropriated named The Fairy Wood), and Crab Apples. My Willow cuttings from Bealtaine Cottage in Ireland sadly didn’t make it over the winter, mainly because Linus pulled them out and ate them. Sigh…a little rascal, indeed.

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(my clever little rascal of a doggie, Linus VanPuggle)

On Thursday, after working half a day and getting some appointments done, I will be exactly where I am most happy – in my gardens. Do you know that every morning, I walk outside before leaving for work, letting my beloved plants know I will be back soon enough, then sit in the meditational nook and speak to my Mother, Gaia. Sometimes I call her Gaia, sometimes I call her Mary, sometimes I call her Lakshmi, but in the end, she is the same, she is One Mother. My Mother. Not to take away my own love for my Mom, Eileen, as my love for her swells past the ages, I don’t think she will ever understand the depth of unconditional love I have for her, even though we both make each other crazy. In the end, she is my Mother. And even though I don’t agree with things she believes in, if there is one thing I have taken from her teachings, it is to unconditionally love. This has been the greatest teaching she and my Father have given me. Something I once took for granted, and never again will question. This is truth buried beneath my very bones.

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The fact that for the next 3 ½ days I will be spending time in my gardens has made me squeal with such excitement. It’s funny how some people absolutely hate the thought of working in the garden or yard. For me, it is therapy. Deep therapy. And Mum Gaia is my therapist.

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I am excited also that you, my readers, will be joining me on this journey I have been talking about for how many years? And now it’s finally here. My heart swells. My cup runneth over.

Come, walk with me…

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(My lavender is beginning to flower)

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(Same as my lemon verbena…flowers=seeds!!!!)
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(Transplant babies. From seed to garden)
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(First flower of my Nastercians!)
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(Tomatoes and Passion Flower galore! )
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(My pretty Hibiscus I had to take home with me…)

Upcoming Novel…

I have a story.  There’s no reason for it, only a collaboration of many dreams, visions and ideas that have come into my life over the course of the last ten years.  As I sit here listening to Book of Days by Enya, my belly begins to stir, as if I need to DO something.

Well, right now, all I can think of is that I need to WRITE.  

A few years ago, I began a novel.  It’s nowhere finished.  I’m only about 42,000 words into it, so I’m just a little over 1/3 done.  The story alone is beautiful, but it’s missing something.  It’s one of the reasons why I haven’t moved forward on it.  Last year I may have worked on it 3-5 times.  Towards the end of the year I did work on it before and after work for a total of 6 hours, but quite honestly, I’m not making the dent I was hoping for.

But right now I have these visions and dreams that NEED and will be a part of my story.  Yet, right now, I feel like I want to give you a glimpse of my story. Like a section off a section of the story itself.  

My visions:

Have you ever had the feeling of euphoric bliss?  You know that feeling that comes with such ecstacy you are almost certain it isn’t real.  It is almost as if you are having an out of body experience.  The feeling begins in the solar plexus of your body, that shoots downward, upward and outward in fissions of pure delight and joy.  Sometimes we even see “speckles of stars” from our peripheral vision, let alone an absolute feeling of such deep emotion it can bring you to tears.

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And how deeply sad that we, as humans, rarely have that opportunity to feel what our souls only know?

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When we transferred into the physical body during the contract negotiations of the life we were going into, one of the very things we give up is the constant state of euphoria.  When you are behind the veil, that very veil that the human race has sadly been kept on the other side of, you only know of your ego’s needs and desires.  At times of desperation, we turn to things that will give us temporary states of bliss.  Be that in foods, relationship, drugs, alcohol, medicines, etc…they are all ego sanctioned properties that the soul does not experience, because it is the HUMAN aspect of this life that gives us this opportunity to be a part of.  

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The soul, as we know, is pure.  Our soul is the essence of the being.  So in order for that being to understand the physical matters of the world, the soul creates a contract that lists the lessons the soul is willing to endure in order to ascend into higher levels of consciousness, leading us closer to our Prime Creator.

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There is no ONE Heaven.  In fact, there are many.  So many, in fact, it is not even worth to count, because there are just too many for our Heavens are as vast as the Universe itself.  And just think:  Our galaxy is one of 100 billion stars.  And outside of our galaxy, scientists counted 100 billion galaxies.  A person would have to be supremely arrogant to think we are the only beings living.  Can you ONLY imagine all the other beings out there, let alone galaxies and Heavens?  We look at our one little planet…Earth.  How glorious she is.  How beautiful.  When we think of Heaven, many people who believe in certain religious dream of a big city where people who are good go to.  And that people who are bad, go to Hell.

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My dears, I wish it was only that simple.

I do not believe in Hell.  Well, at least the Hell that is described in modern day.  We are beautiful beings of light that our Creator made in the image of themselves.  No one can ever get me to agree that there is a place that this loving and compassionate Creator throws these sinful humans for eternity.  

In saying that, I DO believe that there is a dark and desolate place for people who need additional lessons learned before they are able to enter the Eternal Heavens.  Some people call it Purgatory.  I really don’t call it anything, because I try very hard today not to label.  But in my heart, I do believe this place exists.  And then and only then, when the ego has been pulled apart and broken down to the essence of humility, do these beautiful but scarred souls release themselves into the eternal bliss of Oneness with God.

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(Credit: Ryan Wykoff)

I also believe in other races outside the Human race on Earth.  I believe in the Sirians, the Arturians, the Pleiadians, the Andromedans, the Orions and countless other species that inhabit the grand Universe.  With these other races, we are only then given the chance to reach out to so many other Heavens.  But all these Heavens are provided for and Created none other than the Prime Creator, we all know as God.  

This, is what I see when I close my eyes at night.

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I hear soft whispers of singing and humming, along with ripples of energy waves that look like rainbows floating in the skies.  The skies, depending on where I am, are colors of Purple, Blue, Green, Aqua, Yellow, Pink and Orange.  They are almost hyper in color.  I smell scents of Jasmine and  Honeysuckle, Sandalwood and Sage, Sweet Grass and Lavender.  I am in the best of health, and have found myself on many occasions being able to fly, jump hundreds of feet into the air, and land as if I was a dried leaf landing on its final resting place. I have strength beyond my wildest imagination. But there is one thing I cannot leave out.  The joy.  The euphoria.  The absolute state of ecstatic bliss I feel in this state is beyond comprehension.

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I look out to the iridescent seas of aqua and almost a metallic white (as I said, the colors are almost hyper, or neon)…I have an energy pulsating within me, sending sweet sparks of happiness through what I would think to be my veins.  I am ready to go to my Eternal Home.

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What does my home look like, you ask?

From what I can remember, the air itself has a pink aura to it.  It might be because almost every tree where I live has beautiful sweet pink flowers blossoming from them.  The day light hours are always hazy but no humidity.  Nighttime turns the beautiful blue skies a light purple, with stars so many it is impossible to count.  In a way, it is always Springtime.  There are paths around this area that are made of crystals and cobblestones.  The houses where souls live, are different shapes and sizes, but all made from the same material:  Crystal, a luminous metal of some sort and birch wood.  Parts of the homes are decorated with the most beautiful gemstones of emeralds, diamonds, rubies and so forth.  My “village” or “town” that I live in is always buzzing with some form of celebration.  Music is always playing, everyone is so happy and so peaceful.  If I had to put a physical look to it, my home is a combination of the town of Duillond and The Shire from Middle Earth. It might be why both these places always stirred some emotional connection within me.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, below are some pictures of the perceived look of these places…

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I look up into the sky, and see beautiful ships passing by, as well as comet-looking streaks that gives me the acknowledgement that they are indeed, fellow souls on their travels.

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So, imagine if you will, a never-ending Spring time.  Everywhere you go, there are flowers and trees continually blossoming and yet, always fruitful.  The colors are extremely vivid, almost overwhelming your sense of sight.  Even the air itself, has a buzzing energy you can actually see as metallic flecks of rainbow energy dazzling around you, as if pixie dust was actually part of the atmosphere.   The sky during the day was a bright sky blue, while the Sunrise and Sunset gave off dazzling hues of reds, purples, pinks and orange.  The nighttime sky was a shade of lavender purple that makes the starry skies light up in magical wonderment.

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These are my thoughts, my visions, my dreams.  It is what helps me sink into sleep at night.  To dream of this heavenly home like the Undying Lands in Tolkien stories or Valhalla in the Norse tales.  As if Ireland, Scotland, the Maldives and New Zealand decided to become one big land.  That is my heaven.  I hope to share my story to you all one day.  Now, if only a publisher would be remotely interested in a story like this?  

 

Dreams as of Late…

So, it’s no surprise I have been a bit absent in my writing lately. There is good reason, I promise. Beside the one thing that I am about to announce here, I will admit the muse has temporarily left the building. And it has nothing to do with anything else other than just some good all-around exhaustion. For my readers who know me on a personal level, I have been withholding some information about what’s going on in my life. My only reason for not talking about it is that the last time something really amazing happened, I announced it and it backfired in such an extreme I fell into a deep depression for a long time. My sweet husband, Scott, then made me promise him to not make any other big announcements until things are FOR CERTAIN…

And so, on Friday, my husband and I made a major decision and settled on our first house! We are now official homeowners! My permaculture dream is now in the next phase of coming true!

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The Happy Homeowners!

Over the last couple weeks, my head has been deep into my day planner, working on landscaping designs and lists of all the plant life that I want to plant. I did show my husband the list, and although he was a bit nervous over the amount that I am looking to plant (around 30-40 species), and equally worried I’m going to take up the majority of the yard, leaving no lawn area unturned, I assured him that will eventually happen well after our boys are moved out of the house when they get older. Until then, I am going to take up the perimeter of the entire yard, with one small section branching out a bit, for the sole purpose of developing the permaculture sustainable life I am looking to have created here. Also, the front and side yard will also be immersed in deep, hardy planting. Right now I have short term and long term goals. My short term goals (for the next 6-8 months) are simply creating, laying, and getting the beds ready for planting by deteriorating parts of the grass with cuttings, cardboard, leaves, etc. My goal is to not till unless absolutely necessary.

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Didn’t realize we had been living in a cardboard fort for months!

I am also looking to create a compost station, so I can finally educate my boys on the art and science of composting with the nutrients that come from our foods, plant life and waste. To be able to create the “gold” that is home-bred compost is something that (yes) I dream of at night. While some people dream of exotic vacations or a romantic mate to love, no, this girl here dreams of a passionate love affair with compost heaps.   Another thing (and yes, this is on my Christmas list), is the ability to create or build a small polytunnel next to our shed, so that any of my late winter, early spring seedlings will be able to sprout and grow, preparing themselves to get into the ground and do their magic. That’s it. My goal over the next 6 months is get that done. To be able to grow 12 months out of the year…oh how extraordinary that will be!

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Couldn’t have done that move on Friday without my best girl, Jenny.  She was there the moment I came home for the first time.  I was drying off here after being out in the cold rain for a few hours.

Long term? Building and putting together a chicken/hen house for laying fresh eggs, and lots of garden beds around the front, side and back of the house. My big goal is to retire from my company in 10 years, so that I can create an official homestead while making all the oils, teas and tinctures that I will eventually put up for sale. Let alone creating crops that I will be able to help local co-ops and nurseries who will buy my plants to sell. One of my upcoming blogs I will show you my formal list of everything I am looking to plant. I am putting this out now: If you happen to have ANY seeds that you would be willing to donate, I would be eternally grateful. This is a ten year goal I am putting out there. Ten years to create the heaven I have been dreaming for as long as I can remember.   I am also looking out for pots, peat pots, ceramic, terra cotta, plastic, wood, tires, old boots, cast iron pots, you name it, if I can plant in it, please send it to me. Starting from scratch is going to be tedious, but it is a journey I have been looking forward to for so long. Please also, if anyone has any cuttings, plant waste, or compost they would be willing to donate to my beginning pile, please feel free to message me!

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Our  boys enjoying their first meal in our new home!

Seriously, I cannot even begin to tell you the absolute joy I am feeling in my heart right now. I’ve endured a lot of trials and tribulations in my life, and so much of it was of my own doing. To finally see the hope, the results, the realization of so many prayers, dreams and wishes on a star…coming to fruition…well, all I can say is that I have been crying happy tears for many days.

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Beginnings of the new kitchen

There are two women who I have been following these last few years, two women who have been working and living the very dream that I have been dreaming. These two women have laid it out on the line, no holds barred, in living this dream-inspired life. And although I cannot give myself 100% to what I dream of yet, I see through these muses the very life I know I will have one day. I am grateful to my husband and sons for humoring me with their equal anticipation on making compost teas and digging in the dirt!

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So, Colette and Jacqui, I can only pray I am 1/10th as amazing as you both are in your lives.

To see where I am coming from, please take a gander to these two amazing websites:

www.bealtainecottage.org and www.moonmother.net

Come visit them and you will understand why my belly is so full of butterflies right now! I wonder if our Creator felt like this when it was decided we were going to be created? Because I am going out of my mind with excitement!

We decided to call our home, Mabon House, since our journey of moving occurred around the time of the ancient Celtic Harvest Fire Festival of Mabon, which means Gratitude and Thanksgiving.  It only seemed appropriate to call our new home based on how we feel right now.

Much love and blessings,

Bridget

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Happy Hobbit

Personal Freedom and Responsibility…

wpid-sad-silhouette-1080946-m.jpgI am fighting a battle I cannot win.

Every day I am dealing with a struggle that many people on this earth look at as an easy constant in their lives. I wake up every single morning with the same underlying thoughts that I’ve had for so many years I can no longer remember when they began. But they are there, like an addiction reminding me it’s never going to go away. Is there something wrong with me? Is this a cry for help? Is this just to get some attention? The truth is, I don’t know. It may be, and may not be. But I know one thing is for certain: The older I am getting, the more this feeling inside of me grows considerably stronger.

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The things I’m about to say may seem odd to the normal lay person, and for that I’m sorry. Maybe I’m wrong and just pre-judging something that doesn’t even really exist. Maybe none of us are really “normal”. There isn’t a set definition to the term in my own eyes, unless it is to describe society as a whole. For me, though, I know quite well I’m not normal. And for what it’s worth, I’m really fine with that. Sure, sometimes I wish I was like the “society” norm and wear clothes that fit my physical age, or cut my hair to show representation of motherhood, or decorate my house in Pottery Barn-esq type décor. Don’t get me wrong – if you are one of those people who does each one of those things and you feel strongly convicted in your life decisions in those areas, I’m not mocking you. In fact, sometimes I’m quite jealous of you! Why do I think differently?

The way society explains how the “norm” should be is not what I am, so please do not take offense of my choice to leverage my version of this definition. Like I said above, there should be NO true definition of the word normal, because it really is based on the culture that a living being is living in. I live in The United States, in a Suburban living neighborhood/apartment complex, in a semi-quiet town not far from some of the big city adventures. I am happily married to a man I truly call my best friend in the world. I was a single mother of a son for a long time, who at one point worked 3 jobs to cover the cost of living. I am an emotional eater and a social drinker. I work for a financial institution that thrives on helping people strengthen their financial retirement goals. I sit in an 8×8 cubical desk area from 8-4:30pm Monday through Friday, while my children go to Summer Camp or School. I drive an affordable Mitsubishi Outlander that I aptly named Jamie Fraser. (I Heart Outlander) I am the eldest of three daughters to parents who have been happily married for 40 years. I had boyfriends, proms, late nights out at the bar, and phone conversations for 3-4 hours with friends because my parents gave me that allowance. But I was unhappy for a good majority of my younger life, with things that happened to me, and well, resulted in me doing bad things that at the time, did not realize how bad they were. I was functionally living an unfunctional life. This was my norm from age 1-19.

Then….things happened. (that’s for another time.)

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From age 20 until present day, I would spend hours, days, months, in absolute secrecy, writing my everyday thoughts, daydreaming things I only thought were fantasy. I was ashamed to ever speak about it because quite frankly, no one I knew ever showed a modicum of interest in the things I was thinking about. I was petrified on a continuous basis for living this…lie. I found myself watching documentaries of other cultures and other countries, and seeing how some other places gave people more freedom of the creativity that I obsessed of having.   What the heck was I doing wrong? There is only one word for that.

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Fear.

You can be the most holy of clergyman, the most intelligent of scholars, and yet, if you live in any sort of fear, you are living in the dark. And guess what? Most of us live in fear. How? Well, mainly the majority of people live in fear of judgment of what other people will say about decisions they make. This is honestly one of humanities biggest fallbacks. We are so concerned and involved in the worriment of the thoughts of others that we in turn sacrifice our very own wants, needs and desires to make others feel better. I’ve spoken of this a lot over the years because it’s one of my biggest challenges. News flash: If people want to use what I write as fodder for their amusement or gossip, I can’t stop them. But how dare I stop what calls me, what thrives within me, what makes me whole? For what? To make others stop talking about me? To hope others MIGHT take me seriously? I find it funny that those who disagree with my life are the very ones who, no matter what, will never take me seriously, but when push comes to shove, will come to me when they need it most and I have NEVER turned my cheek. It’s the nature of the beast and I can’t and will never stop that. I will never stop helping those I love and care about, even if they cannot respect or understand the journey I am on. But I will not stop talking. I will not stop writing. It’s what I love to do. It’s my soul freeing itself from the chains of slavery inside this physical matter called a body.

Why, am I then, FIGHTING?

Yesterday I had a talk with a good friend of mine who reached out saying she wanted to help me on my path to a happier life. Without going into more detail, tonight after work I’m going to start what many would call a “dream board”.

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A dream board is a collection or collage of things that you want in your life that make you brilliantly happy. And if you could do or have something every day, put it on this board. It will help the person understand better by physically LOOKING at what you want, rather than dreaming it inside your head. Many project managers and marketing directors look to dream boards to help aid in the brainstorming process. I look forward to putting much together.

In the meantime, I will continue to keep my nose to the grindstone and get through each day with a happy and hopeful heart. Dreams are coming to reality, slowly BUT surely. I’ve never been more certain in my entire life that I am exactly where I need to be in life to be the best person I CAN be. I will NEVER go back to that state of darkness. Not for all the money in the world. Because that, my friends, is really playing with the devil. And the devil plays no part in my life, even if some think otherwise.

Theme Songs…

1238018_498629840212271_970819050_nA few years ago, I came across a musician and artist named Tret Fure, who truly changed the way I looked at music and life in general. Her outlook on life, whether through her eyes or the eyes of those around her, is on the cusp of being this magical reality I thought I was the only one that saw life this way. I have not found one song she has ever recorded that I haven’t like. I am touched beyond words myself with some of her writings, and how she brings them into her music. Whether she is talking about her wife, mother, an old school mate, or her hometown, so much of how she feels is how I see myself half the time. I suggest you take a look at her. She’s been in the music business longer than I can even say, and I almost feel slighted that at 40 years old, I am just finding her. But then, I am finding myself, so I guess all this cool stuff comes with the territory.

Other really great artists to mention:

Alice DiMicele
Heidi Talbot
Doug MacClean
Trinity DeMask

Below is one of Tret’s songs that I believe may be my new “theme” song. Although I am sure it means a specific meaning for her, to me, I see this song as to how life looks at me, and how I look right back. Unfortunately I could not find a video of the recording of this song anywhere, but below are the words. If you can, go to Pandora and look her up – or just save my Tret Fure radio station on your PC. My Profile is listed as Ms. Fae 

Leap of Faith: Tret Fure

Tomboy Records

It was a long road
It was a long time
It was a long way around this stuck mind
It was the way that I was looking
And the things I couldn’t see
And it was the way that you were looking at me

It was a late night
It was the late fall
It was a late hour to make a late call
It was the things that I was hearing
And the things I couldn’t see
And it was the way that you were looking at me

Sometimes it takes a miracle
Sometimes it takes a stand
Sometimes it’s quite empirical
And sometimes it’s so grand
But most of all it needs to be
A sudden leap of faith
It’s a leap of faith

It was a new dream
It was an old car
It was a back road
And a bright star
It was the things that I was feeling
And the things I couldn’t see
And it was the way that you were looking at me

Sometimes it’s rude awakenings
Sometimes…it’s about time
Sometimes the earth is shaking
Sometimes the world is mine
But most of all it needs to be
A sudden leap of faith
It’s a leap of faith

It was a lifeline
It was a long rest
It was a life long dream
And a hard test
It was the things that I was bearing
And the things I couldn’t see
And it was the way that you were looking at me

Sometimes it takes a miracle
Sometimes it takes a stand
Sometimes it’s quite empirical
And sometimes it’s so grand
But most of all it needs to be
A sudden leap of faith
It’s a leap of faith

And this is what I know
And this is what I see
It was the way that I was looking at me