Tag Archive | honesty

A New Dawn, A New Day….

bohopeaceEach day we are presented with at least a thousand decisions to make.  Decisions that only we, as a person, can only make. Whether we are children or adults, mentally stable or challenged in some way, each one of us has decisions to make.  And each decision, great or small, will always have a PROFOUND impact on our future lives.  Now, when we are children, little to no responsibility is put on us because of our age and intolerance for understanding the repercussions called consequences to our actions.  But where is that line drawn?  How old do we have to be to become mentally competent of our decision making process?  Well, I think to each his own is the best answer I could come up with in the last several hours of contemplation yesterday.  Some people mature at a young age, some, like myself, take 40 years to mature.  Some, well, some are still learning.  You can be the best parent or guardian in the world, but in the end our accountability is ours, no matter how much you want to slice it.  How people treat us is their karma, how we respond to it is ours.  This, my friends, is the biggest lesson in life I will ever learn.

See, many years ago before I became a troubled kid, mind you, I was basically a normal little girl, until an event in my life changed that.  We try so hard as parents to teach our children to follow a certain guideline when life throws us a bad curve ball, but we don’t always listen.  See, this is where accountability comes in.  How old does one need to physically be to be held accountable? I can’t give you this answer.  BUT, I CAN say, that when one emotionally and psychologically has the impact of becoming responsible, then it’s fair play.  Sadly for me, so much was blocked out until a few years ago, that when it finally came to pass, I had to become accountable for my own faults that happened 30 years ago. 

Each day we are presented with at least a thousand decisions to make.  And in the summer of 2012, I made a big decision.  One of the biggest of my life, presumably.  Let alone the hardest.  Granted, my memories from long ago swayed back into my life like the winds along the reeds, but these winds were sadly stormy.  If not hurricane-like.  Having to take accountability for things that happened so long ago can be difficult for someone because yes, it WAS long ago.  But when someone was hurt in the process; that long ago can feel like yesterday to that other person.  Taking in that perspective then, one has to stop their own process and understand that not everyone heals the way you do.  Not everyone understands and processes the same way you do.  And the moment one becomes to fully understand this, respect will take place, followed by a solemn bout of humility. 

I was given a gift yesterday that I did not deserve.  A gift of closure.  Just because my life has taken a turn for the better does not mean it’s time to forget the hurt I may have caused others along the way.  And trust me when I say, that is not the case.  Every person I have ever lied to, cheated, stole from, is on my mind every single day.  I think back to 20 years ago, 30 years ago, and I can honestly say, I don’t know who that girl was.  More and more my memories of that Bridget have faded, mainly because the beliefs, feelings, and understandings no longer resonate with the woman I am today.  I am a proud 41 year old woman.  A mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a godmother, soon to be wife, and a friend.  And every single person who is connected to me I love with all my heart and am protective to the core for their safety.  30 years ago, hell 20 years ago, I can’t even say that about myself.  Life for me began at the age of 40, and I am grateful to have been given a second chance at life.  But that does not mean I can forget the first 40 years and those that were hurt along the way.  I promise you, I will never forget.  And I will always ask for forgiveness, even though I probably don’t deserve it.

People, remember who you are, and if it’s not good, change it.  Be real, be honest, be blessed and most importantly, be humble.  Each one of us is fighting our own battles.  Some of those battles others are fighting are because of something we did to start it.  Own it and never forget.  But forgive yourself and continue to do the best you can every day.  That is really the best way to repay someone you’ve hurt.  Never forget and utilize those consequences as a tool to make those thousand decisions each day.

Being held accountable is a bitch.  But when it’s time to move on to the next chapter in your life, at least you can say you were, and it can never come back to harm you in the end. 

~ Bridget

morning

Keep On Keeping On….

wayne_dyer_peace_quote-251358About 20 minutes ago I wrote up a 1000 word blog on what’s going on with me.  Yeah, I won’t be posting that.  As many of you know, I take an herbal supplement along with my Juice Plus called Kratom.  A native relative of the coffee plant, Kratom comes from the jungles of Southeast Asia and has medicinal properties like no other.  For anyone with an addictive personality (like myself), I have found Kratom to be a lifesaver.  This winter has me battling a depression far worse than previous years.  What is does to my body on a physical level is so bad, I wonder how I get out of bed each day.  My entire body is cracked and dry, no matter how much oil, lotion, you name it, that I put on it.  It doesn’t work.  I have been dealing with a headache for 3 months straight now.  Signs point to my thyroid and gluten allergy, but hey, it’s not that I didn’t know this. Kratom helps me with depression, and Juice Plus helps out everywhere else.  However, since this cold weather really kicked us in the face this season, it seems NOTHING is working, no matter how much I take.  I was in the middle of taking my Kratom when I wrote the post that no one will ever see, dear God it was so depressing!  That’s how bad it has been recently.  Sigh….

But, the Kratom HAS kicked in and I am feeling slightly better.  It makes me so happy to see more people trying this miracle plant.  It has helped people off so many prescription and street drugs. And it almost has become a vocation for me to reach out to those who need it.  Quite a few people now order it at work, and my fiance’s best friend will be trying it this week.  It makes getting through this winter so much more worthwhile.  And I need to keep it in my head, that in 30 days, this weather will most likely be gone.  Crocuses will be blossoming, and tiny buds from hyacinths, daffodils and tulips will be making their way to the surface.  Mother Earth is waking up, and I know it is so important to remember that right now, instead of complaining of what’s happening right now.  My sweet friends up North, Lisa, Stephanie, Pixie, Bren, and Heather are all dealing with the continuous bad weather those states have been getting the last couple weeks.  My heart goes out to you all, and know I am holding you close to my heart that Spring will be coming sooner than later.

Today also marks our official 60 day mark until our wedding!  For those who haven’t seen our website, please check it out!

http://www.theknot.com/wedding/Scott-Bridget

My sweet friends have decided to throw me a bridal shower on Saturday, March 14, and I look forward to being able to spend it with my family and friends. (sad to know my one sister cannot attend, but life is crazy these days, so I hope she knows I will miss her there.)

Needless to say, as I continue typing, the general happiness is coming back into my body.  Thank you Kratom for helping me with this.  Please let me know if anyone wants to know more about this plant.

I have decided to give up the good fight on the rumors that were circulating around a couple weeks ago that I don’t believe in Jesus.  It’s been a rough couple weeks but I am truly hanging in there. I will continue to pray for those people and just continue to live on.  Yesterday I was at Earthspeak in Kimberton, and bought these beautiful pictures of Jesus and St. Germain, my two teachers.  Jesus is out in the living room and St. Germain is in my bedroom.  Maybe this week I will post pictures of my sacred spaces throughout my home.  I hope they bring you the kind of peace they bring me.

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Also, I have been lax on the 44 days of Spirit.  Forgive me.  I know many of you have emailed me asking if I forgot about it, and my answer is this:  No, I promise I will continue, just got thrown off the ramp a bit from that rumor.  It’s hard to keep a smile on your face when your name is being spoken in a negative manner.  But I promise, I will continue that series.  So much I want to share with you all.

In the end, I just wanted to thank you guys for sticking by me these last couple weeks while I sort my emotions out.  I see a bright light at the end of the tunnel, so I am looking forward to continuing my journey.

And as my amazing and wonderful Super-Aunt Kathy told me, “Be 100% there.”  Well, that’s a promise I know I will keep.

Love, Light and Ooey-Gooey Happiness,

Bridget

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How I Became the Bohemian Hobbit.

430554_3270196878974_73794714_nOver the summer I had to come to terms with some things that I didn’t want to admit to. Sure, I was sure proud of myself for where I had finally found myself weight-wise, but the emotions and psychological changes in me were not what I was expecting to deal with. I knew there would be some, but not at the rate I was expecting. Nevertheless, I found myself at a bit of a crossroads and needed to make some continued decisions regarding my health.

Admitting after working so hard to get to a goal that you now have a chronic pain that resulted in the surgery you voluntarily had to fix a problem was definitely a struggle in itself. My anxiety went through the roof from the pain I was constantly in. The pain would keep me up in night, from my low back, legs, hips, you name it, there was pain. I kept it hidden well through some good pain medication I had from my surgery, as well as taking copious amounts of Alleve, to the point of drinking a glass of wine each night to give myself a buzz, alleviating some of the pain.

I went to my Doctor’s, because I was truly concerned something was wrong. Sadly, my doctor decided to diagnose me with a psychological condition that was so farce I couldn’t even explain it! Speaking with family and friends, they were appalled by the lack of research and how my doctor, who has known me since I was 13, could easily diagnose me so quickly with this issue at 40 years old by just listening to me talk about my pain. Needless to say, I have not been back to him, and am looking into a new doctor. I hate parting with him, but his answers are always “take more medicine”, and I realize I was taking more pills than I was taking anything else. I was on two types of anxiety/sleep aids, thyroid medication, allergy medication, and an endless array or RX and OTC pain medication. When I got on Juice Plus, I finally was able to say goodbye to the majority of the medications, but the pain and a little anxiety was still there. I started doing research, and I came across a neat little plant called Kratom. Kratom (Mitrogyna Speciosa) is a Pacific-Asian plant native to countries like Borneo, Thailand and Bali. Its medicinal properties can be traced between caffeine and/or Opium, but of course without the Opiates. It’s a pure and natural plant that actually is relative to the coffee plant we all know and love. When I found that it was legal in most of the United States, let alone Pennsylvania, I was eager to try. It usually comes in a powdered form, almost the consistency of flour, and it smells just like tea. I found a Vendor down in Texas, who was very kind and understanding in my needs. You cannot buy this at any store, as it is not approved by the FDA. In fact, some vendors, in fear of the FDA trying to take this plant away from society, will put “Not to be used for consumption” on their labels. How sad has our world become that we’ve become so fear-based?

The moment I started taking Kratom, things began to change. My perception of life changed quickly. I became more realistic about life, without losing my rose-colored glasses of hope I always seem to wear. I found a different type of peace within me that I never had before. I mean, sure, for the last three years I had a peace that I was making right decisions with my life, regardless of how others felt, but this was different. I felt…peace. Within my peace. Does that make sense? I noticed I started paying more attention to color more. I have found myself wearing different colors like aqua, pink, purple, lots of pastels. It’s like I found a little hippy inside of me, dying to come out to make change with the world. Instead, she made change with me. The anxiety went away. The pain went away. And so, the little bohemian hobbit awoke. I close my eyes more, but not to block anything out, more importantly, to envision what I hope for my life and those around me. I was driving this morning to work, and I found even on the busiest of roads in my area, I was so focused on the colors of the sky, and how they reflected off the cars in front of me. So much color in this world and I only saw a select few. Now, an array of color almost overwhelms my life, but I accept it with humbled gratitude. I listen to my female folk music radio station, and think about being outside more, think about the wonderful things that will happen in the next year. And my heart just overflows! I know that sounds so freaking sappy and I get it, many people are not where I am at in their life and they are quite happy with not only their presence in life, but with their position they hold with society. Hey, we are all on a journey, and I will never ever again thwart someone’s journey for the sake of hoping they followed mine. How many years have I spent trying to get people to UNDERSTAND me, when in fact it was my job to make sure I UNDERSTAND me!

I just had a cup of my Kratom tea, and the almost euphoric feeling comes over me with excitement that today we close another chapter in the lives of those who managed to make it through the year. I applaud each and every one of you – we did it!

And as I prepare to spend a fun evening with some people in my little community, I know I am walking into the New Year with a positivity I’ve never had before. And the motivation to spread the love around, like a true bohemian would.

Love, Peace, Macaroni and Cheese, and most of all, have a ROCKIN’ New Year!

Bridget