Tag Archive | Journey

Change…

I know I know, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted here.  Let’s just say the muse went on a vacation and she took a major sabbatical from my brain.  I don’t blame her.

Sitting here on this Sunday morning, I am looking around at all the trees, and noticing so many of them are still very green with most of their leaves still going strong.  And it’s October 30th *actually, it’s November 5th, it’s been a week since I typed this up and now I’m just getting to finish it *.  A bit unusual for this time of year, as the ending of the autumn season usually accompanies the falling of the leaves.  By early November, almost all the trees are bare. *actually, the trees are finally starting to change, and I have pictures of last Sunday versus this Sunday and see how they changed within 1 week*  And people say climate change isn’t real.  If people would stop for just a moment to see what our Earth is doing, they might actually agree.

(Our Sugar Maple)

(The Walnut Tree next door)

Change is everywhere in the air.  I am able to understand a little better now why I am feeling the blues hit me a little earlier than my normal time (which is usually between end of December to beginning of March).  The last time I felt the blues come on this early was 2008.  I was right on the cusp of a major life change.  The difference now than where I was in 2008, was that I am aware of the change.  Back then, my ego was still running the show, the MC of my life, so it allowed me blissful ignorance while I was doing my day to day activities.

The last few days I had been going over the life changes that were in store for me at the time I was unaware.  Who I was in 2008, is no longer on this plane of existence.  Like a leaf blowing in the wind before its final journey from tree to grass is complete, I said goodbye to that Bridget I once was.  Selfish, immature, narcissistic, egocentric, and living in the world of victim-hood, shedding those facets that made up of who I was, was challenging yet liberating.  I truly believed that once I shed that skin, the real Bridget would be out and I would then live my days in this new frame of existence.

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How silly I was to think that was to be the last change!

Yes, its true, we shed physically every 7-9 years.  Astrologically speaking, we go through major changes every 17-19 years.  Right now I’m smack in the middle of my second nodal return.  Changes I am going through are enough to keep me on my toes.  Honestly, up until a few weeks ago, I thought I was in a good place in all areas of my life.  Sure, there is ALWAYS room for improvement, but I guess I thought the majority of my life was pretty much it, and I was pretty content with that knowledge.  Who would have thought my ego was still peeking through?

I have learned through grace and humility that ego does not like to be wrong.  It wants to win every time.  Ego will fight when you try to change.  That’s all ego knows.  Instead of fighting the ego, love it.  Bless it.  Acknowledge it.  Then keep moving.  Spending more and more time with ego will cause backwards thinking, stagnancy and despair.  I know because I’ve done it.  That “Stuck” feeling we get from time to time?  Depression?  Anxiety?  That’s all ego is.  When we step away from it, we come closer to our true selves.

If you are a follower of me on Social Media, then you probably saw a post not too long ago about me feeling a shift of my Spirituality.  For almost 2 decades, I have felt a kinship and a love for Earth Spirituality.  Being in Communion with God out in Nature proved to be one of the most intense and deep loves that I felt in a long time.  When I officially walked away from the Catholic Church on December 21, 2012, I truly believed I found where I was supposed to be.  I studied so many religions and faiths over the years, Earth Spirituality was most definitely *the* path I felt called to be a part of.  And for over 20 years, it’s where my heart lied.  Until recently.

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Now, don’t get me wrong, my heart still lies there, just like it still lies with Catholicism in some ways.  When you emerge and align your body, mind and soul with a particular faith, you go all in.  Your whole world becomes taken over by it.  It’s literally like falling in love with someone.  Butterflies, a longing to be a part of them in every way.  I truly believe that’s how a person feels when they delve into a life change they have been craving to be a part of.  All the endorphins are finally released, creating a euphoric high within you.

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This is precisely how I have been feeling when I allowed myself to dive into Hinduism.

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What’s funny, is that for some time now, there were signs that I never bothered to take notice of.  From listening to Hindu music, Bollywood, just my overall love for Indian culture, yoga, meditation, Tibetan prayer flags (both Hindu and Buddhist) at home and at work, my sudden love for Lakshmi. Buddhas all around my home and at work (yes I know that’s Buddhist but humor me here).  Yes, the signs WERE there.  But I chose not to listen or look at them.  I had always been interested in Eastern Religions, as they go further back than Christianity and most other modern day religions.  But lately, Hinduism has been catching my eye, and most importantly, my heart.  Would you believe who I found in Hinduism?

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(Yup, that’s right….that’s Jesus)

The only thing I’m not sure if I feel comfortable with is the idea of an incarnation of Shiva, or Guru.  It’s different from being a Karmapa (a living incarnation of Buddha). There are many representations of Shiva who are considered enlightened Masters or Swami’s.  Sadly, I have read many of them have controversies that are aligned with them.  From overcharging people for retreats/enlightenment courses (some can run around $10,000 a week), to sexual assault, and deception.  I learned long ago that all religions have their bad eggs, so I shouldn’t be surprised by what I found.  One teacher I have found I feel connected to, and although his name isn’t without some controversy (that later proved to be false so please don’t go trying to dig stuff up, I already did my research), he came into my dreams this past week and told me to come to his Ashram.

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(Paramahamsa Sri Nithyananda otherwise known as Swamiji)

I was like, “What the heck is an Ashram?”  I had to Google it when I got up the next morning, and found it was a monastic community-like place where you go to pray with him. I’ve been reading up on his words and teachings, watching his videos, and quite frankly, there’s so much that he says that correlates with Jesus, it’s almost freaky to think they are kindred souls.  What I found was fascinating.  So many people have the impressions that Hindus believe and worship idols.  They do not.  They believe in ONE God.  One Divine Creator.  And within God, there are many dieties, enlightened masters, gurus, teachers, however you want to call them, that are the physical representations of God.  That they ask not to be worshipped, but to be called upon to help aid in our prayers going to God.  Sounds a lot like the Saints and Angels, doesn’t it?  The fact remains is that even practicing Earth Spirituality, I found Jesus, who has always been there since Day 1.  Moving onto a new path, I find Him again.  How Lakshmi is the representation of the Blessed Mother.  Different culture, same soul.  Does it mean I need to go back to Catholicism?  Heck no.  I love that I can continue to explore my profound and devout love through different cultures and different paths.  As I’ve said so many times, there are MANY paths to the top of the same mountain.

In the end, I feel that my journey in life is taking me down a new road.  I do not know if it will pan out, but I do know that in order for me to know, I need to do the walk. Bless.

 

 

 

 

 

Trying To Move Forward in a Backwards World…

 

Ahhh, today is Memorial Day.  An important time to remember the citizens of my country who paid a price for our freedom.  I know for me, Memorial Day should not just be a United States Holiday.  It should be a Universal holiday.  Religious zealots, political prowess, bigotry, and all-around hatred has caused our little world to continually be turned upside down.  Thankfully, we are at the threshold of a new era – an era of peace.  Those who believe in prophecy (not religious, but universal), know that usually after generations of war always follows with generations of peace.  And we are coming down from the climax of war.  Yes, even though there is still hate and war out there, we have to admit to ourselves we are moving towards a turning point.  Think about this – 100 years ago…what was NOT allowed to be?  Being public with homosexuality, transgenderism, women’s rights, freedom from slavery, child labor laws…just to name a few.  To me, as I see it, it’s an insult on the people who died so that we may live, by living with hate, anger and resentment.  Sure, we have the freedom to do that, but think about it…is it REALLY freedom?

I look at the world today, and see so much growth happening.  And although I still get disgusted at the hate and bigotry that is STILL out there, it IS decreasing.  People are beginning to wake up!  They are witnessing the innate and absolute awe of loving unconditionally one another.  Leaving behind the uneducated, misled and arrogant stances of how other people live.  When we STOP worrying about how other people are living, we begin to love ourselves a little bit more.  And when we love ourselves more, that love begins to radiate out to the masses.  This has always been part of my journey, as I learned long ago that the continuous judgement where I am on the receiving end of that judgement, will only create more anger in those throwing that anger toward me.  I choose love.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to be a walking mat, no, it just means I choose love.  Jesus once talked about walking away from the Old Testament “Eye for an Eye” way of life, and instead, choose to turn the other cheek.

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Matthew 5:38-40 — “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for an eye, and tooth for a tooth’. But I tell you, do not resist an evil person.  If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.”

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Such a brilliant way to look at life.  When people choose to live their lives in hatred, judgement, bigotry, and an overall victim-hood mentality, walk away.  But walk away with love.  You can forgive those who hate you, spit at you and judge you, but doing it back to them only shows that you are just as bad as they.  Choose to walk away.  Now, 5-10 years ago, I would have lost my nerve and screamed and cried and made sure they knew how much they hurt me.  No more.  I listen, and tell them I’m so sorry they feel this way.  I’ve learned to know that I am an amazing woman who has flaws just like everyone else.  But I choose now to not use my flaws as ways to get out of things, or make excuses as to why I need to be “different”. Not my style.

Today my husband and I took a walk through our gardens.  We have been experiencing some really hot and humid weather, to the point that even my deep garden bedding experienced some tough challenges.  We talked about idea to make things better, and how to support the even living creatures and plants that now dwell back there.  Last week I put together a little bird bath made out of a ceramic potting base and an iron plant stand.  The robins and blue jays that have come to play back there now brings such a smile on my face.  I want the creatures to know that I not only build these sacred gardens for myself and those I love, but for them as well.  They need to eat too, you know!

Also, in my continuing lessons of humility, I started back up on my Celtic Devotional written by my dear friend, Cailtin Matthews.  Split into the four major Earth Holidays, each Sabbat/Season has a daily prayer for morning AND at night.  Solar and Lunar meditations, as well as additional blessings and prayers for everything under the sun.  I lost it during the move, so you could only imagine how happy to have it back on my person.

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I also realized some other things.  I’m not cut out for certain things in my life.  It’s a quite profound moment when you realize this.  When you are in an environment that is not healthy, everything around you will go down with you.  I realized this when I came to the conclusion of my failing health.  It’s funny how it began when it did, and how it is continuing to this day.  I continue to find ways to get better, and always try to look at the positive side of things.  It’s not good when you know of people who seem to think the worst of things, the worst of you, or just make assumptions that are clearly not true.

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I get it.  I don’t run with the “normal” crowd.  I don’t understand why it bothers people so much in what I believe in.  Apparently if you go to church but you are an unmitigated asshole, you’re still in better shape than me, a non-church goer who believes in doing good and being good. Apparently because I believe in things like angels and fairies, astrology and magical intentions, I’m doomed to eternal hell.  Does it make me sad?  Yes, I’m heartbroken that even at 42 I still get phone calls telling me that people I love are spreading assumptions about me because of their own fear or lack of understanding.  Should I resist?  No.  I’m not going to fight anymore.  I am simply turning the other cheek, because I know at the end of the day, I do it with love, and no one can take that away from me.

We need to work together.  All of us.  We need to STOP assuming the worst in everyone.  We need to STOP being so angry and resentful because your life may not be as happy as someone else. Make the most of your life.  The tiny things in this world can sometimes make the biggest impact.  To never give up hope even on the darkest of days.

Today my husband and my boys went for a walk through Blackrock Sanctuary.  Needed to be outside even on this hot day.  Being out in nature gives me a time, even for a moment, to realize what we have right in front of us.  And that to be grateful for these things will only give us more ability to move forward positively.  Be light.  Be love. Be magic.  Because all three is all around us.  But you’re only going to see it if you walk away from your chains of darkness.

Nursing the Possibilities…

The last several weekends have been incredibly busy, which has left me doing all sorts of gardening prep and maintenance on the week nights after work, which only provides me with a couple hours of sunlight.

(Potted a little over 70 seed pots, cannot wait to see what comes up! Each side is some Fennel and Calendula)

So, Sunday, I had promised myself that after all was said and done, this day would be the day to continue working with my seedlings, mow the lawn, and even shock the pool. Alas, it doesn’t look like much was going to happen yesterday, as the rain clouds, although not in one big clump, are sparse throughout the area, which is going to result in passing rain showers like every 20 minutes! But, Scott and I were busy-busy at keeping up with Mum Gaia as she spread her light showers. And we were totally okay with that, really. Mother Nature has a job she needs to do, and I firmly believe that we need to let her do it. She can most certainly live without us, however WE cannot live without HER!

(Excited to finally see my Roses and Morning Glories coming in to bloom, and that mystery daisy-looking plant finally flowered, and it’s Fleabane!  How exciting!)

So, the grass was mowed, and I got about 70+ seedlings planted in their starter pots. When I was finished, I stood in front of my little greenhouse, like a hovering new mother looking into the nursery. Maybe that’s why gardens and hospitals call these places “nursery”. We are nursing the things in that room to grow and thrive.


On another note, I’ve been keeping up with what’s going on astrologically. Mercury will be thankfully going out of retrograde status on May 22. But that still leaves 3 others in the retrograde phase. Mars, Saturn and Pluto.

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With Mars, we need to remember this is a good time to SLOW down. When we try hard to make things happen, things can backfire if you are not prepared. And especially with Mars AND Saturn being retrograde, you best remember this will most likely happen. Expect to work a little harder for things. (in my case, that’s just a normal day for me hahaha). And then you’ve got little Pluto out there, reminding us that now is the time to cleanse the inner most part of ourselves. To walk away from things and people who no longer serve our greater good. When you are awake, it can be acutely difficult to be around those who are still in a sleep mode. You continue to love them and wish them peace, but their own lack of ascending is only going to hinder your own journey. Take time to seek within. Sometimes we have to make decisions that may hurt others, but will bring YOU peace. And you know what? Sometimes, you HAVE to make that sacrifice. You cannot be 100% for others if you are not 100% for yourself. I’m not giving you the liberty to make decisions based on selfish desires, but more suggesting you take a hard look at the who’s and what’s in your life that are bringing your soul down. And when the soul ain’t happy, nothing else about you will be either. I know people close to me who are suffering, or making decisions just like this. And as hard as it is for them, it is for the best of all concerned. If anything, that is what these retrogrades are teaching us right now. Slow down, think about what is good in your life and stick with it. Think about what’s bad in your life and let it go. It’s really that simple, even if the action itself is difficult to finish.


I myself have had a lot to think about in the last couple weeks. It doesn’t make it easier that the retrogrades have been causing a bit of a riot in my own life. Things not going right, conversations being skewed, plans being rescheduled, etc etc etc….For me, it relates to a bigger picture in my life. What does one do when every part of your beings KNOWS a change needs to be made, and yet, outside forces and even my own brain is telling me, “no no no, it’s too risky”. To say I’m scared is an understatement. But I know the universe has a way of working things out for the betterment of all, and so I have to trust in it. Deep inside I know this is a time of great possibilities. And I just need to have faith, right?
Great possibilities. Like my garden. I look around, and see so much possibility. The potential for growth, harmony, existence, life and so on…like my own personal journey is reflected into what is the Sacred Gardens. Because my life is sacred. Our planet is Sacred. And my soul is the nursery. Tending and caring for its very existence to grow and thrive in this world.

(Where I am nestled tonight in quietude where the rest of my clan in watching Wrestling in the family room…I choose Enya, candlelight and warmth…Maybe time to make a cup of tea???)

Lessons in Forgiveness and Closing Chapters…

forgive1Today was a major lesson in strength and forgiveness.

Each one of us are given lessons, sometimes extremely difficult and impossibly humbling.  We can choose to accept these lessons by admitting our faults and discretions, while HOPEFULLY the consequences of our actions, whether they happened yesterday or 30 years ago, will only help us grow stronger in love, grace and overall, humility.  These last few years have proven just that.  And even in the midst of absolute despair, when the pain just becomes TOO much that some would rather roll over and blind themselves from the pain with alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, food, or whatever vice you need to mask that despair, I have chosen a different path.

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I choose forgiveness.

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See, what other people think of me is really none of my business.  And honestly? That’s a very hard thing for me to accept.  My ego has been bruised so much in the last 4 years I can’t even really begin to describe it.  In the last few years alone, I have been humbled more times than I can ever count, and am constantly reminded of things that I NOW know, were not of the understanding my actions were going to be detrimental in the years ahead.  See, when people go through a traumatic experience, it becomes acutely apparent that people “block” memories to avoid the pain.  I suffer from PTSD because of this.  Looking back at the years when my life was so troubled, I can understand how I had tried, sometimes embarrassingly, to get people to “like” me.  And when you utilize that desperation technique, it’s easy for others to see right through you. 4 years ago, those memories came back, and since that horrifying moment of regression, I have done everything I can to make amends of my past and who I hurt, even though I was a victim as well.  Well, today showed me beyond a shadow of a doubt, that trait no longer caters to my life.  The strands of victimhood no longer apply and I am voluntarily choosing to cut those strands from my life.

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If you know who you are, and know that deep down you are a good person, despite faults you made in the past, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and people who come and go in your life choose to hate you, despise you, belittle you, or whatever it is that they do to make you question your own self-worth, well then, my dears, the moment you put that apology out there is the moment you are finally free to let go.  If people choose to not accept your apology, or even worse, accept it, only to turn around and take it back, you need to remind yourself that it no longer applies to you.  It applies to them.  And then everything going forward becomes THEIR issues, and you can walk away with peace in your mind and in your heart.

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Today was a hard day.

Quite frankly, I’m heartbroken.  But that heartbreak will heal.  I will mend.  And the scars on my heart will provide stronger tissue that will make it harder to hurt me. I forgive those who choose hate over love.  Who choose anger over forgiveness.  Remember: How people treat you is a reflection of THEM, not you.  Something my husband and my Mom continue to drive into my head day after day.

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And with that, I am choosing to close a very, very sad chapter in my life, and moving on.  Because I deserve it.  And the people that know who I am, TRULY know who I am, deserve it.

In the end, I choose love.  I choose forgiveness.

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And I forgive you, for everything you have done to me.  May you be happy in the life you have chosen, and I wish you nothing but happiness in your heart, and peace in your soul.

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Crossroads: Beginnings of a Shamanic Journey…

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For those who know my spiritual path, you know it’s not an easy one.  Growing up Roman Catholic for almost 30 years, it’s incredibly hard to overcome the deeply rooted beliefs that you were taught over and over again, even though your soul was calling you onto a new journey.  After about 8 years of searching, I found my foundation within two belief systems: Celtic Druidism and Native American Shamanism.  Both paths actually resemble each other, so it was very easy for me to fall into this journey with much peace and content.  Yet, something didn’t feel right.  I still felt “called”…As a seeker, I naturally love to dive into research and educate myself on all the cultures and faiths of our world.  And with that came the lessons of sacred healing through the Earth.  Both in which Druidism and Shamanism utilize to its full potential.

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Over the course of the last several years, I have delved into education and research on sacred plant medicine and the ceremonies that are involved. Although I took many challenging turns in my own life, I have learned to understand that if you want your life to be truly blissful, one must recognize that life is not necessarily all about rules and power, sacrifice and pain, but joy and happiness, compassion and most importantly, respect.  How modern society today has corrupted the mind of the human to take on such anguish and suffering, all for the benefit of someone else’s gain.  Sure, I can easily sound like some crazy conspiracy theorist, but the truth is, I know what my heart, body, mind and soul tells me.  Conspicuous consumption of the world today is sincerely what drives the human race.  This is why there is hate and separation wherever we go.  Black vs. White, Church vs. State, Republican vs. Democrat, Man vs. Woman, Rich vs. Poor, so on and so on.  All we know is separation.  Separating things is easy for us because it gives us some order of substance to how we want to see our life go in a certain direction.  This, in my humble opinion, is why we are so messed up as a people.

But I digress…Let’s get back to what I wanted to talk about – Sacred Plants and the part they play in our lives.

Nestled deep within the jungles, canyons and valleys of some of Earth’s quietest tribal communities, lie the remedies of almost all the ailments in our world.  Most of us living in the “Western” world, we have submerged ourselves with so many chemicals, that our bodies have adjusted to the chaos going on inside each and every one of us.  Which puts many of us in a day-to-day survival mode.  Why in the hell are we doing this?

Let me ask you this: Are you happy?  Like truly, truly happy?  Can you honestly say you wake up every morning and have a euphoric sense of self-worth and purpose? That life is just truly this brilliant gift and you are strong and powerful enough to conquer everything thrown at you?

Of course not!  We don’t live in that kind of world!  Very few of us can say they do live this way.

But would you say if I told you, you COULD???

I totally believe this.  And I believe that one of the many secrets lie within the healing plants and natural medicines scattered over the world. They are out there to help us heal our emotional, psychological, spiritual, and yes, physical ailments that plague our bodies, minds and souls.  You don’t need to be in a religion or spiritual path to understand that our planet is pretty freaking awesome.  And we have yet to truly get into the heart of what our amazing planet can really do.

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Sadly, the powers that be who control the rules and regulations of the Western World truly regulate what the Western World is allowed to utilize in the terms of these “sacred plant medicines”.  Sadly, any plant that could somehow alter the mind’s perception is considered “dangerous”.  Even though these very plants are what heal the very illnesses that plague our world.  So, why are many of these sacred medicines outlawed in the 1st World?

Money.

Power.

Greed.

Sad, isn’t it?  That plants that have been researched to CURE things are not allowed in certain parts of our world, yet it is perfectly acceptable to combine a bunch of chemicals in some lab, feed it to animals for testing, then if it’s a go, allow the human race to consume it.  Yes, I know, it’s near impossible to try to corner a market of something indigenous to 3rd world countries or native tribal communities and make a 1st world profit.  And honestly, why WOULD you?  It’s one thing to accept donations coming from people who want to help keep the traditions going, rather than making a profit off of these sacred plants.  In that case, this can be completely unethical and disrespectful to the communities that make them a part of their daily lives.

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So, what do they do?  The powers that be “create” medicines made out of chemicals created in laboratories, to create similar “effects” of these natural medicines, so they can get a profit.  But, what happens, is that these very “medicines” that the pharmaceutical companies create end up having several times the severe side effects that may be more detrimental to the person’s original path to health and well-being.  And thus the cycle repeats itself until it results in a spiral of madness and chaos of the human body and mind.

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It’s more than just the plant medicines, though.  There are the ceremonies that are part of the consumption of them. As a devout believer in Mum Gaia (aka Mother Earth) and all the plants and flora she creates on this planet, it is with utmost importance we recognize that these plants are indeed, Sacred, and therefore should be given the respect and reverence of how we intake them.  This is why indigenous people of our lands and other communities around the world get so upset with us “white man” who tend to perverse what is Sacred to them by using these plants and ceremonies without the proper respect that needs to be given to those who originated them.  I don’t blame them at all for feeling like this, however, there HAS to be a time to stop the separation.  What the “white man” did to our Natives so long ago can never be rewritten or forgotten.  It’s part of our history and today’s society is proof that the pain still exists, and our privileges are still met before anyone else’s are.

THIS HAS TO STOP.

A few years ago I was introduced to the benefits of Kratom, Kava, and Sacred Blue Lotus.  These plants are part of my everyday life.  Because of their great healing effect, I no longer need depression or anxiety medicines.  Very rarely will I need something medicinally to help me sleep.  The properties of all these plants have the relaxing effect to help me fall asleep.  I suffer from chronic insomnia.  And Kratom, Kava and Blue Lotus help me to achieve going to sleep at night without any aid like Ambien. Every time I take them, I bless my cup, and pray for healing.

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(Me and my cup of Kratom Tea, and a bunch of Red Vein Kratom Leaves)

The frustrating part of this, however, is that many people look at these sacred plants as “drugs” or a”legal” way to get high.

So now this is the part where I’m going to drop some knowledge on the misinformed:

I am a 42 year old woman.  I have a husband, 2 children, a dog, a mortgage, car payments, and an incredibly busy life.  I think it’s an insult to my character if you want to make the assumption I use these beautiful and sacred plants to “get high”.

Plants are not drugs.  Shit that’s created in a laboratory?  Those are drugs.  Know the difference between the two and educate yourself before speaking, because sooner or later, these plants are going to come back full force as more and more people are waking up from the viscous cycle the pharmaceutical companies have us addicted to.

Another ceremony I learned about but never was able to participate in was a Native American Sweat Lodge.  One of the most powerful physical prayers a person can do, Sweat Lodges are also deeply rooted in many traditions outside our Native Americans.  Nordic Vikings and some communities in Africa are also knows to have these.  But it is through the Native American Sweat Lodge do most people come to an understanding with. Sadly, modern day New Age enthusiasts tried to make profits on these “Sweats”, and in 2009, an investigation was made in the wake of a death of a woman who died while in a Sweat Lodge. It was later confirmed that the organizer did not follow the rules of the Sweat Lodge, causing serious health concerns for the individuals who did survive, but who became very ill from that event.  This is why our Indigenous People here are so incredibly protective of their traditions, and become very angry at how they are irreverently used for profit, gain and power.  Many fake or “plastic” shamans, as the Indigenous People call them, are found on every corner preaching how to help you gain “consciousness” and “enlightenment”, all for a price so many people are desperate to pay.  And people don’t understand why are Natives get so insulted when these people give themselves “Indian” names?  These traditions, like the plants, are sacred to the people that have been practicing with for thousands of years.

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(Traditional Native American Sweat Lodge)

Several years ago, I was introduced to Ayahuasca. Ayahuasca is the sacred marriage of two plants.  The Mother Ayahuasca Vine, or Caapi Vine, and the leaves from the Chacruna tree. Now, I have never taken, nor been in ceremony with this beloved plant of South America.  Mainly seen in Peru and Ecuador, retreats from all over these two countries are popping up yearly, in assisting the population with the ongoing spiritual awakening the Earth is currently going through. Sadly, some of the original retreats are rarely seen, as larger, more spacious and luxurious retreats are now in demand, with some weekly retreats ranging from $1500-$4000.  What we find is the wealthier population or 1% having the ability to go on these retreats for their “awakening”, which isn’t bad per se, but leaves out a significant portion of our population unable to go because of the financial burden one must endure in order to participate.

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(Traditional Ayahuasca Ceremony in Iquitos, Peru.  Held at Blue Morpho, and run by Master Shaman Hamilton Sauther and Master Don Alberto Torres Davila – one of the exceptions to these retreats – although this is a very expensive retreat, it is probably the best retreat for Ayahuasca in terms of safety and emotional well being.  It’s not about the money for them – it’s about the respect of the medicine AND the safety of the people who come to take the medicine)

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(The Caapi Vine or Mother Ayahuasca)

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(A forest of Ayahuasca and a pot of the ingredients, Caapi Vine and the leaves of the Chacruna tree)

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(Finished Product – Ayahuasca Brew)

I found out about 11 years ago I had a calling.  A calling of Spirit to heal and to teach.  The very Shamanic energies rising from within get stronger every day.  How does a person like myself, a member of the 1st world, with no financial access, be able to bring these sacred plants to the people of my land, without disrespecting the indigenous people from where the plants originate from?  This is currently my quest to find out.

We all need to survive, but understand, we all will NOT survive.  We are not getting out of this life alive. There is no way around it.  So, how does one follow a calling where there is absolutely no way for me to answer?  These are the very troubles that plague my mind.

I have visions.  I have dreams.  Dreams involving camps and retreats not built to accommodate the person, but to accommodate the journey of the person.  I have this desire to bring the sacred plants and ceremonies to people who truly want to be a part of, with respect and reverence, divinity and compassion.  To help those on their journey to self-awareness.  The Shamanka in me is calling out, and she knows I hear her.  My goal this year is to be in ceremony to ask for aid in the sacred plants, and see what they are telling me to do.

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It is truly the only way I know how to best respect what they are here on Earth to do for us.

Earlier this week I had a dream.  A profound dream.  Involving dream catches and feathers, sage, drums and flutes. And something inside me called out to someone.  A friend I have not seen in over a year.  I felt compelled to tell her my visions, and sure enough, she is leading me to my first Sweat Lodge, which I now believe, is the beginning of my Shamanic Journey. I am at a crossroads once again, and this time my path is telling me to walk towards a specific road that no doubt, will be incredibly difficult, but will provide the necessary healing that I have tried so hard for 36 years to fulfill.

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I know now, this new journey will bring my total healing of all the traumas I faced as a child, a teenager, and as adult. It will also bring the necessary forgiveness I need not just for myself, whom I need to forgive, but for those in my past as well as current life, hurt me to my very core.  My journey has already begun by writing this.  I look forward to sharing with you all how it goes.  Aho.

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(Me – Ready for the Journey)

 

Upcoming Novel…

I have a story.  There’s no reason for it, only a collaboration of many dreams, visions and ideas that have come into my life over the course of the last ten years.  As I sit here listening to Book of Days by Enya, my belly begins to stir, as if I need to DO something.

Well, right now, all I can think of is that I need to WRITE.  

A few years ago, I began a novel.  It’s nowhere finished.  I’m only about 42,000 words into it, so I’m just a little over 1/3 done.  The story alone is beautiful, but it’s missing something.  It’s one of the reasons why I haven’t moved forward on it.  Last year I may have worked on it 3-5 times.  Towards the end of the year I did work on it before and after work for a total of 6 hours, but quite honestly, I’m not making the dent I was hoping for.

But right now I have these visions and dreams that NEED and will be a part of my story.  Yet, right now, I feel like I want to give you a glimpse of my story. Like a section off a section of the story itself.  

My visions:

Have you ever had the feeling of euphoric bliss?  You know that feeling that comes with such ecstacy you are almost certain it isn’t real.  It is almost as if you are having an out of body experience.  The feeling begins in the solar plexus of your body, that shoots downward, upward and outward in fissions of pure delight and joy.  Sometimes we even see “speckles of stars” from our peripheral vision, let alone an absolute feeling of such deep emotion it can bring you to tears.

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And how deeply sad that we, as humans, rarely have that opportunity to feel what our souls only know?

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When we transferred into the physical body during the contract negotiations of the life we were going into, one of the very things we give up is the constant state of euphoria.  When you are behind the veil, that very veil that the human race has sadly been kept on the other side of, you only know of your ego’s needs and desires.  At times of desperation, we turn to things that will give us temporary states of bliss.  Be that in foods, relationship, drugs, alcohol, medicines, etc…they are all ego sanctioned properties that the soul does not experience, because it is the HUMAN aspect of this life that gives us this opportunity to be a part of.  

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The soul, as we know, is pure.  Our soul is the essence of the being.  So in order for that being to understand the physical matters of the world, the soul creates a contract that lists the lessons the soul is willing to endure in order to ascend into higher levels of consciousness, leading us closer to our Prime Creator.

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There is no ONE Heaven.  In fact, there are many.  So many, in fact, it is not even worth to count, because there are just too many for our Heavens are as vast as the Universe itself.  And just think:  Our galaxy is one of 100 billion stars.  And outside of our galaxy, scientists counted 100 billion galaxies.  A person would have to be supremely arrogant to think we are the only beings living.  Can you ONLY imagine all the other beings out there, let alone galaxies and Heavens?  We look at our one little planet…Earth.  How glorious she is.  How beautiful.  When we think of Heaven, many people who believe in certain religious dream of a big city where people who are good go to.  And that people who are bad, go to Hell.

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My dears, I wish it was only that simple.

I do not believe in Hell.  Well, at least the Hell that is described in modern day.  We are beautiful beings of light that our Creator made in the image of themselves.  No one can ever get me to agree that there is a place that this loving and compassionate Creator throws these sinful humans for eternity.  

In saying that, I DO believe that there is a dark and desolate place for people who need additional lessons learned before they are able to enter the Eternal Heavens.  Some people call it Purgatory.  I really don’t call it anything, because I try very hard today not to label.  But in my heart, I do believe this place exists.  And then and only then, when the ego has been pulled apart and broken down to the essence of humility, do these beautiful but scarred souls release themselves into the eternal bliss of Oneness with God.

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(Credit: Ryan Wykoff)

I also believe in other races outside the Human race on Earth.  I believe in the Sirians, the Arturians, the Pleiadians, the Andromedans, the Orions and countless other species that inhabit the grand Universe.  With these other races, we are only then given the chance to reach out to so many other Heavens.  But all these Heavens are provided for and Created none other than the Prime Creator, we all know as God.  

This, is what I see when I close my eyes at night.

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I hear soft whispers of singing and humming, along with ripples of energy waves that look like rainbows floating in the skies.  The skies, depending on where I am, are colors of Purple, Blue, Green, Aqua, Yellow, Pink and Orange.  They are almost hyper in color.  I smell scents of Jasmine and  Honeysuckle, Sandalwood and Sage, Sweet Grass and Lavender.  I am in the best of health, and have found myself on many occasions being able to fly, jump hundreds of feet into the air, and land as if I was a dried leaf landing on its final resting place. I have strength beyond my wildest imagination. But there is one thing I cannot leave out.  The joy.  The euphoria.  The absolute state of ecstatic bliss I feel in this state is beyond comprehension.

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I look out to the iridescent seas of aqua and almost a metallic white (as I said, the colors are almost hyper, or neon)…I have an energy pulsating within me, sending sweet sparks of happiness through what I would think to be my veins.  I am ready to go to my Eternal Home.

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What does my home look like, you ask?

From what I can remember, the air itself has a pink aura to it.  It might be because almost every tree where I live has beautiful sweet pink flowers blossoming from them.  The day light hours are always hazy but no humidity.  Nighttime turns the beautiful blue skies a light purple, with stars so many it is impossible to count.  In a way, it is always Springtime.  There are paths around this area that are made of crystals and cobblestones.  The houses where souls live, are different shapes and sizes, but all made from the same material:  Crystal, a luminous metal of some sort and birch wood.  Parts of the homes are decorated with the most beautiful gemstones of emeralds, diamonds, rubies and so forth.  My “village” or “town” that I live in is always buzzing with some form of celebration.  Music is always playing, everyone is so happy and so peaceful.  If I had to put a physical look to it, my home is a combination of the town of Duillond and The Shire from Middle Earth. It might be why both these places always stirred some emotional connection within me.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, below are some pictures of the perceived look of these places…

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I look up into the sky, and see beautiful ships passing by, as well as comet-looking streaks that gives me the acknowledgement that they are indeed, fellow souls on their travels.

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So, imagine if you will, a never-ending Spring time.  Everywhere you go, there are flowers and trees continually blossoming and yet, always fruitful.  The colors are extremely vivid, almost overwhelming your sense of sight.  Even the air itself, has a buzzing energy you can actually see as metallic flecks of rainbow energy dazzling around you, as if pixie dust was actually part of the atmosphere.   The sky during the day was a bright sky blue, while the Sunrise and Sunset gave off dazzling hues of reds, purples, pinks and orange.  The nighttime sky was a shade of lavender purple that makes the starry skies light up in magical wonderment.

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These are my thoughts, my visions, my dreams.  It is what helps me sink into sleep at night.  To dream of this heavenly home like the Undying Lands in Tolkien stories or Valhalla in the Norse tales.  As if Ireland, Scotland, the Maldives and New Zealand decided to become one big land.  That is my heaven.  I hope to share my story to you all one day.  Now, if only a publisher would be remotely interested in a story like this?  

 

The Demon Within…

One of the biggest things I deal with during this particular time of the year is the big D.  Most people know what I speak of, and I’m sure many of you are sitting on the other side of your computer nodding in complete and utter understanding.

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Depression, as many know, is when a chemical imbalance in our brains result in a disruption of some-sort, creating a sort of chaos in our bodies that causes hopelessness. Most times, depression is the result of a tragedy a person experiences, whether it be a death, break-up, or any of loss of “something”….Sometimes, in my case, it could be just a simple explanation of the weather 5 feet from me.  It is one of my biggest struggles I face with in life, and every year I pray and pray that somewhere, somehow, this feeling of sadness would end.

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So, let’s talk about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)….

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It goes without saying that everyone, both of human and animal alike, NEED sunlight.  The vitamins coming from the sun gives off so much energy and a pulse of life itself, there is no wonder why people love to “Sun bathe”.  Sadly, for me, I’m a Celt by blood.  A mixture of Irish, English, Scottish, and German.  So, putting my pasty self outside for more than a few moments will cause my skin to scream.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t love to be out in the sun.  It’s why I am a morning person, so to speak…(I say that because during the Monday-Friday deal, I’m not really worth talking to in the morning, but that’s a whole other story LOL)

In the Northern Hemisphere, at the time of Litha, otherwise known as Midsummer or the Summer Solstice, the Sun is at his prime, beaming down with such veracity, it even finds the shadiest of places.  But sadly, after that prime day of days, the Sun begins its fall.  And within 6 months, the Sun, although still shining, does not have the luster and awe that we had just a few months before.  For many people, this time is the beginning of Winter.  And we start our slow climb back to the manifestation of the gifts the Sun gives us in the Spring and Summer.

So, during the time after the holiday and New Year season ends, there is a period of silence.  Nothing really happens until the next little break, which is Valentine’s Day.  And then, after that, is the Spring Equinox, Ostara, or as many know it to be, Easter.

What do we do during this period?  Well, for me, I kind of go crazy and start cleaning and regrouping my life, creating goals for the warmer weather to come, all while taking care of my mind, body and soul, who is sadly ill-at-ease over the lack of warm sunlight, growth and overall life.

It’s why I love living myself according to the Celtic Seasonal Calendar.  It makes sense for me, because I always was like a month early to prepare for each season/holiday.  In just a few weeks, MY Winter will be over.  On February 1st, I celebrate the feast day of St. Bridget, who holds the keys of the kingdom for my favorite Season: Spring.

February 1st in the Celtic Calendar is the Season of Imbolc (Pronounced IMM-OLCK).  It is the beginning of the Springtime, the time where our Mother Earth is stirring and beginning her slow process of “waking up”.  Just as we, each morning, open our eyes, stretch our arms and legs, and get reacquainted with the morning and the light, so does Mother Earth.  The soil, through its Winter hibernation, begins to warm up, allowing the seeds within the soil to take heed and blossom.  One of the greatest gifts we can get in the Early Springtime are Crocuses.  They are Mother Nature’s quiet little trumpets, usually peeking up within the snow and cold ground, alerting us all that warm weather IS coming back.  That is the beauty of this planet.  Of where I live.  We know Spring follows Winter.  It’s how life is.

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So, what do I do in the meantime?  Even as I type this out, on this lazy Sunday morning, I feel sad.  Sad because going outside would require me to bundle up because the air is SO cold, it would actually hurt my skin.  Make my eyes water.  Even the “smell” of life, is not there.

What makes me gaga over being outside?  Feeling the grass beneath my bare feet.  Smelling the seasonal flowers breezing through the air.  Seeing the magnificent trees, shrubs and bushes blossom with beautiful green leaves…In the Celtic myths, Autumn and Winter meant Jack Frost was out and about, dropping hints of frost and ice among everything alive, telling them it’s time to die or go to sleep….In the Spring and Summer Months, Jack in the Green is our go-to guy.  He is the one who warms the skies and the Earth, and instead of frost, we have beautiful droppings of dew.

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(one of MANY Jack in the Green Parades held every year in Europe)

This is what makes my pulse quicken, my heart smile and my soul beam.  Warmth, light….like Persephone feeling so out of touch down in the Underworld, where she could not use her Gift with the Living World, and patiently waited until it was time for her to go back up, and be among the Living again, to feel the warmth of the Sun on her skin…Yes, I feel the exact same way.

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Since going off all Depression and Anxiety medicine, and opting for my Kratom intake, I can honestly say it hasn’t been TOO smooth sailing.  Of course it would be easy for me to put some chemicals into my body and numb myself…but it would be a disservice to me to do so.  I know not everyone agrees with me on that.  I always welcome other’s opinions and ideas…it’s just…it’s not for me.  I’ve been very careful over the last several years to deal with my addiction to pain killers…and for someone like me who is always in some kind of pain, it’s an easy excuse for me to pop a pill and call it a day.

No, as much as times like these where I wish I had something to numb my physical and emotional pain of the Winter, I know that in the end, it helps me SEE who I really am, because I am completely bare and open to the senses entirely.  I feel things now more than I ever have.  So, yes, the depression sucks.  But I also know, that there are times I feel such immense joy, that knowing I wouldn’t even feel an inch of that when trying to control my depression with medicine, gives me the honest knowing that I’m doing the right thing.

Don’t get me wrong:  I think about taking something every day.  Even right now, I feel incredibly blue (Get it?  Winter “blues”?) and staring at the walls may be what I need right now to numb the sadness of the lack of life outside….

This depression began in 2001.  And slowly progressed as the years went on…Now that I am in the beginning stages of my body slowing down and turning into the Crone, I feel this even more.

How do I deal with it?  It’s a demon inside of me I deal with every day between Thanksgiving and about Mid-March.  For some people it’s less time, and for others, it’s more.  It feels like the Postpartum depression I had for the first 4 weeks after my son’s birth.  It begins as a nagging feeling, that turns into a feeling of dread.  Dread?  Yup, dread.  It overtakes me like a demon overtakes a human…I cry at everything and anything, I sleep more, I stare more, and I tend to lash out more.  My husband, sons, parents, sisters and closest friends know it the depression talking.  The know this silly little hobbit doesn’t usually act like this, and know how to approach me during my times of struggle.  They know and respect the fact I don’t want chemicals in my body.  They are patient and kind, and allow me the time and patience I need for myself to understand how my body reacts to this rough season.

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(seriously, whoever created these are a GENIUS)

Kratom certainly helps, but, it is just a band aid.  It does NOT take away the full feelings.  But it does lessen the load.  And the best part?  It does not numb me.  If there could be anything that I hate, it is the numbness of my body, mind and soul.  To lose the essence of your life just because there’s a period of time each year where I feel sad, it’s just not enough for me to make that kind of decision.  That’s not for me to judge anyone who DOES.

So, for the next few weeks, I will be quietly tinkering away at my new home.  Putting things in their place, and dealing with the sadness I not only feel for the cold months, but for other things I cannot control.  It’s a continued lesson in humility, and I love that I’m always up for the challenge, no matter how tired and sad I’m feeling at the moment.

What makes me happy during the colder months?

  • Music – Usually Celtic/Irish/Scottish music, 80’s Pop, and some Sacred World music, from either Lisa Thiel, Snatnam Kaur, or Spiral Dance
  • Painting – I am still trying to find my easle, but the moment I do, I’m off!
  • Festivals – There is an amazing Scottish and Irish Festival that happens in February, and it truly lifts up my spirits EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
  • Garden Planning – For the first time since 2007, I will have my own garden again.  Planning it has definitely helped tremendously during this time.
  • Snuggles – My boys know all these need to do is snuggle up to me, it will bring a big smile.  I love my family.
  • Cleaning – I tend to light A LOT of incense that smells of lavender, jasmine, and other springy smells…as well as light lots of candles…and the smell of Pine Sol?  OMG Don’t go there with me…it’s like heaven haha!
  • Ritual – if there is anything I love to do, is to be in ritual with myself.  That time you give to yourself, whether it is meditating, chanting, praying, or even something simple like taking a nice, warm bath…yes, it helps a great deal.

I know there are probably more, but these are the big ones.  Tell me about what you do!  I am always looking for suggestions.

Lots of Hobbit Love,

Bridget